Your Mom
by Determined
Summary: Sasuke learns a new diss on TV, and decides to test it on everyone he knows! NO. ONE. IS. SAFE! Please read and review! Being revised
1. Chapter 1

Banzai! My second story. Please read and review!

Your Mom

(Slightly) Revised on: October 19th, 2008

* * *

Sasuke was bored. Not the kind of bored when you think you have nothing to do, but actually _do_. Sasuke was bored to DEATH. If he didn't find something, _anything_ to occupy the time, he might suffocate from boredom. The Sharingan user decided to flip through the channels on his 3-feet TV, a present from one of his rabid fangirls.

_"Breaking news! The Aburame family have disappeared into a strange tranc-"_

Flip.

_"Oh Rai-sensei!"_

_"Gock-Lee!"_

_"Rai-sense- OH NO! Daara of the Gessert, what are you doing here?!"_

_Tune in next week for the shocking conclusion of **"The Young and the Eyebrowless."**_

Flip.

_A group of thugs in a circle surrounded two tough-looking guys wearing dog tags._

_"Yo mama so poor I saw her kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was moving!"_

_  
The crowd oohed._

_  
"Your mama so old, someone told her to act her age and she died!"_

_  
The crowd awed._

These "Your mom" insults perked Sasuke's interest. He continued to watch.

_"Your mama so ugly she got arrested for vandalizing a mirror shop!"_

_  
Ooh._

_  
"Oh yeah? Take this..._

_"...Your mom."_

The crowd went wild. They screamed and acted like those two words were the ultimate diss.

_Maybe it is._ Sasuke contemplated. Suddenly, he had an evil idea...

Konoha was in for a rough day tomorrow...

* * *

Sasuke walked silently to the usual meeting spot for Team 7. He was irritated because he wanted to finish this mission as quickly as possible, so he would have enough time to test his "theory." But maybe he could test run it on his team mates...

When he got to the meeting spot, he saw that Sakura and Naruto were already there.

"Sasuke-kun!" the pink-haired ninja waved happily to her crush. "Good morning Sasuke-kun!"

Naruto grinned at him. 'S'up teme?"

Sakura bonked Naruto on the head. "BAKA! Don't call Sasuke-kun that!"

"Sakura?"

"Yes Sasuke-kun?"

"I don't care."

"But Sasuke-ku-"

"Sakura?"

"Yes Sasuke-kun?"

"...Your mom."

* * *

Like it? Hate it? Read and review! More to come!


	2. Chapter 2

YO! It's me again! Well, hope you like this chapter!

* * *

_Last time..._

_"...Your mom."_

* * *

Naruto tried to stiffle a laugh. Sure Sakura was his crush, but that was hillarious! 

Sakura stood as if she had been petrified. Inner Sakura was also in a state of pure shock.

Sasuke stood there with hardly a smile on his face. But if you were to hear Inner Sasuke...

Inner Sasuke: evil grin It begins... MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHbreatheAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Yo!" A figure clad in black poofed beside Sakura. Kakashi took a moment to plug his ears.

Silence.  
All you could hear was Naruto's muffled giggles.

A few minutes later, Kakashi unplugged his ears and stared at Team 7 with amazement.

"What? No yelling today? No asking _"WHY ARE YOU LATE!"_ or _"WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG!"_ Hmm.. well, I guess I'll tell you anyway! You see, I had to feed my d-"

"Kakashi-sensei?"

"Why yes, Sasuke?"

"...Your mom."

Naruto couldn't take it anymore. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHbreatheAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Kakashi stood still. He couldn't believe his ears. He was the copy-cat ninja, for the Hokage's sake! No one dissed him and got away with it!

"Oh yeah?" He feebly called out to Sasuke, who had started walking away with Naruto beside him.

"Well, yo mama's so ugly, she made a blind man cry!"

Naruto covered his smile with his mouth. He looked to Sasuke, wondering what was gonna come out of his mouth.

"Kakashi...

your mom..."

And with those final words, Sasuke walked towards the nearest resturant. It was almost noon, and as much as he didn't want to admit it, he was starving. Unfortunately, the nearest resturant was the Ramen place, and he was in company with Naruto.

* * *

Well, read and review! I'm always welcome to new suggestions! 


	3. Chapter 3

Yo! Thanks for the reviews! Didn't know people read my stories! Anyway, as always, I'm sorry for grammitical mistakes! I have a good reason! Just...none can come to mind now! 

I love using the exclamation mark sign, don't you?

* * *

_Last time...  
"Your mom..."_

* * *

Ichiraku's was in rush hour. People were ordering like there was no tomarrow. Soon, Ayame had to politely ask everyone to form a line. Grumbling, they obeyed reluctantly. Once Sasuke and Naruto got there, the line had become 2 miles long. People were hungry, and pretty soon started trying to push ahead of others. 

Naruto sighed. He wanted to eat now!

Sasuke noticed the blonde was impatient. He grabbed Naruto, and dragged him away from Ichiraku's.

"Huh? Teme, what are you doing? The line's over there!"

"You want to eat, ne?

"Yeah."

(rolls eyeballs) "Then let's eat somewhere else."

"But I want ramen..."

"Who's paying for the food?"

"I thought so."

Sasuke dragged the boy to a place called "Youth." It was a new resturant, and thankfully served ramen. He had only been there twice, but he liked the food. Besides, he was also hoping he could test out his new insult on some unfortunate customers...

"Woah..."

Naruto surveyed the resturant. It had sophisticated red chairs, and looked very much like an imperial garden. Sasuke snapped his fingers.

"Waitress!"

A girl in a martial arts uniform answered him.

"Yes sir?"

"Table five, please."

"Right away sir."

As Sasuke and Naruto were escorted to their table, Sasuke couldn't help but notice a dark shadow behind him. He turned around and saw...

"Youthful collegue! What a coincidence to meet you here in this youthful atmosphere! Indeed, I did not think that a youthful individual such as yourself would want to be in this youthful enviroment, but I guess I youthfully thought wrong! By the youthful way, have you tried the youthful teriyaki here? It is youthfully wonderfu-"

"Sir? Your table."

Inwardly, Naruto and his youthful collegue sighed in relief. They gratefully took their seats.

"Thank you... what did you say your name was?"

"Wocky, sir."

Thank you... Wocky."

"Is there anything you would like to order sir?"

"I'LL HAVE THE MISO RAMEN!"

"Same here."

"Your meal will come shortly. Thank you for dining at Youth."

* * *

In the kitchen... 

"Yo Daara!"

Wocky walked up to the part time soap opera actor/cook and handed him a slip of paper.

"Two orders of miso ramen."

"Okay."

7 Minutes later, two steaming bowls of ramen were on the counter.

"Here."

"Arigato."

* * *

Back outside... 

"...So what do you want to talk about?"

"...Hn..."

"...Never mind."

"Hello sirs. Here's your food. Is there anything else you would like to order?"

"No thank you."

"...Hn."

"It has been a pleasure serving you." Wocky scrunched up her face when she said this. He thought he was so cool. What a snob! If she wasn't working, she would love to show him a thing or two...

Suddenly she had an idea to make his life so much harder. She confident walked over to a certain bushy-browed person's table.

"Excuse me sir?"

"Yes, my youthful fellow human being?"

"Do you see those two boys over there?"

"Why youthfully yes! Those are my two fellow youthful collegues! Why do you youthfully ask?"

"You see sir, I noticed how much they seem so... tired. Would you like to switch tables to sit beside them in order to youthfully charge them up?"

Rock Lee's eyes brightened.

"Youthfully yes! I would youthfully love the invigiration of helping a fellow ninja discover the fire of youth."

The teenage waitress mentally sweatdropped. But on the outside she smiled and walked over to the table beside the victims and started setting it up. Rock Lee sped over and happily took a seat.

Naruto and Sasuke's reactions were;

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I'll let you guess who said what.

Wocky smirked with satisfaction, then retreated to help more customers. As soon as she left, Rock Lee started to drabble.

'Don't youthfully worry my friends! We will have a very youthful lunch! May the pure fires of youthfulness guide us to non-cumbustion of this scruptiou-"

Murrmur.

"What was that, my youthful amigo?"

Louder murmur.

"Youthfully sorry, but I didn't hear you."

"I said your mom..."

"What did you say youthfully say again?"

"I SAID YOUR MOM!"

The whole resturant instant ceased all chatter, and turned to stare at Sasuke. Naruto looked like he was going to die of laughter.

"What youthfully about my mother, Sasuke?"

Everyone who heard that sweatdropped.

"...Your mom."

"I still do not youthfully understand."

"...Your mom."

Suddenly, realization hit Rock Lee brutally.

"Sasuke! That un-youthful remark about my mother was extremely rude! Take it youthfully back!"

"...Your mom."

"I am youthfully serious! Take it back, or I will be forced to counter!"

The crowd turned their eyes back to the Sharingan-user, and held thier breath in anticipitation.

... Your mom..."

Rock Lee lost it. He acted in a way similar to when he had alcohol in his system. Cheeks flushed, he screamed at the top of his lungs,

"YOUR MOM IS SO DUMB, THAT WHEN SHE WENT TO THE MOVIE THEATER AND IT SAID UNDER 17 NOT PERMITTED, SHE WENT BACK AND GOT 16 OF HER FRIENDS!"

* * *

Everyone oohed. People in Youth started placing bets. 

"10 bucks on the Uchiha!"

"Oh yeah? 2 hundred on that Lee kid! I am positive he is going to win!"

" No way! 900 dollars on Sasuke!"

"20 000 grand on Bushy Brow." said a calm voice. The top betters gawked at the young waitress who had just bet such a large sum of money. One guess who did.

* * *

Meanwhile... 

Rock Lee was starting to really get mad. so far he had tried 19 different "your mom" disses. He had gotten no response. Finally he couldn't take it anymore.

"FORGIVE ME GAI-SENSEI!"

A few seconds later, his weights were off. Let me explain why. Not only do the weights hold his feet down, they hold down his ability to think off more insults. Therefore, he took them off.

"GET READY UCHIHA!"

"YOUR MOM'S SOOO DUMB, THAT WHEN SHE TRIED TO SELL CHIPS, SHE YELLED OUT, "FREE LAYS!"

Silence.

"...Your mom..."

Suddenly, Rock Lee collapsed. His brain had just released the most threatening insult it knew, but it still wasn't enough to beat that blasted Uchiha! He needed to rest his head...

Half of the crowd roared with disapointment. The other half cheered, for they had won their bets. The only person who wasn't disapointed or ectastic, was... Wocky. She was furious.

She walked right up to the raven-haired boy, who was starting to walk out, and slapped him. Hard.

"Your mother's teeth are so yellow, she can spit butter!" she yelled into his ear.

Sasuke turned around. Wocky flinched, expecting to get dissed, but he only said,

"... I don't care.Naruto, let's go."

* * *

And that my friends, was how Sasuke valliantly defeated Rock Lee, how Wocky lost 20 000 grand, and how Naruto got all of it.

* * *

Well, did you enjoy? Dedicated to I Have An Alter Ego, all my reviewers, my family, and the class of 222. 

Read and review!


	4. Chapter 4

Banzai! 36 reviews! Thank you for reading and reviewing! In the next chapter, Sasuke meets Itachi! Sorry, no dissing in this chapter. Please don't kill me...

* * *

_Last time... _

_"...Your mom..."

* * *

_

It was a glorious day for Naruto. He had 20 000 grand in his pocket, an ice prick by his side, and a stomach full of ramen. Suddenly, the kitsune noticed something.

"Hey Sasuke?"

"...Hn?"

"Why are we hanging out?"

"Hn."

"Hey Sasuke?"

"Hn?"

"Where did you learn that diss you said back there?"

Sasuke flashed his trademark smirk, and replied.

"Hn."

"Oh. Okay."

The two ninjas walked towards Sasuke's house in silence. That is, until Naruto noticed this.

"Sasuke, why are we at your hou-"

"Because."

"Because what?"

The Uchiha glared at him.

"Oh. Okay."

Nothing else was said until they reached the front door. But inside Naru-chan's mind he was shivering and screaming with his excitement.

Don't ask why he was shivering and screaming.

But I can tell you why he was excited. It was becausehe was hoping to find a clue in the house as to why Sasuke become so gangsta.Also, the house looked like a mansion. It was bigger than 20 Olympic pools put together! Inner-Naruto gaped in amazement. Silently, Sasuke reached into his pocket and took out a key. He placed it into the keyhole.

A few minutes later, a booming sound was heard.

It echoed a few times before the door opened. A golden glow filled from the doorway. Naruto squinted. The light was so bright. He was practically blinded.

After a while, the light faded. The booming sound was heard again, and the door closed. Naruto turned to Sasuke with a raised eyebrow.

"What the heck? I thought we were gonna go in!"

Sasuke glared at him for the 2nd time that day.

"Who said? I already went in by myself."

"Oh. Okay."

Sasuke turned his back on Naruto.

"It's getting late. You should head home."

The blonde blinked and stared at the sky. The sun was starting to set. His jaw hit the ground.

"What the heck! We got here in the afternoon! We were only here for a few minutes!"

"Dobe. That glow you saw was a hypnosis. It knocked you unconscious. I hid you in some bushes, so I could eat some decent grub. I didn't get to eat at that place."

"...Eating took you THAT long!"

"...No."

"Then why didn't you wake me up!"

"I appreciated the silence. Now scram."

The Uchiha vanished in a puff of smoke. Scowling, Naruto did too. From a tree, a certain person chuckled at thier antics.

"Foolish little brother..."


	5. Chapter 5

Yo! I'm sorry I took so long to update. I've just been so busy playing MMORPGs. 

This chapter is specially dedicated to the claas 222, Raine my glomp buddy who will make a special appearence in chapter 8, and a certain reviewer. Read what they wrote:

From: Helix Kamikaze

"things first. You're using the word "Temee" out of context and you're spelling it wrong. Temee is an extremly disrespectful way to say "you". Also,  
there's no reason to say 20 0 grand, it's either 20 grand or 20 0 dollars. i Don't know if you mispelled Gaara's name or not but I'm not gonna take that chance. It's Gaara if you spelt it wrong And getting to my point, I didn't like the story. You might wanna choose a better topic to base your fic on."

Well, this is my reply:

"Hooray! My first flame! I'm very sorry you don't like my fic. But my mom liked it, so... Dude, I think you spelled teme wrong. Either you did or the hundreds of fanfiction authors did. They also might have got the definition, bstrd, wrong.  
Yes, I know about the 20 000 grand mistake. Thank you for telling me again.  
Daara of the Gessert was intentional. Actually, I have a real friend named Daara. She is extremely demon-like, and would be the Gaara's understudy if he was real. Well, anyway thanks for reviewing anyway. Semi-glomps Even if it is very degrading to my self-esteem."

The reason I posted this in my story, Helix Kamikaze, is because when I tried sending you an e-mail, it said your e-mail didn't exist.

Anyway, on with the fic!

* * *

"Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Rin-"

"Ugh..."

7:30 am: Sasuke's hot pink alarm clock was crushed by 2 shuriken, 14 kunai, and his fist.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Bee-"

"Grr..."

7:31 am: Sasuke's baby pink back-up alarm clock was smashed by 9 shuriken, 32 kunai, and both of his fists. (You can tell he's getting mad!)

"Ding dong! Ding dong! Ding dong! Ding dong! Ding dong! Ding dong! Ding dong! Ding dong! Din-"

7:32 am: Sasuke finally woke up, but only to anwser the door. He took out 15 shuriken, 64 kunai, and his rose pink boxing gloves on his way to it, so he could pulverize the poor chap who ruined his beauty sleep.

He opened the door...

And was sent flying halfway across the room. Which was a pretty long way, considering the room was bigger than the the state of Alaska.

Shakily, he got up and turned to face the cause of his anti-gravity preformance. He gasped when he saw...

"Hello, my foolish little brother."

"I-Ita-tachi..."

The ax-ANBU chuckled. "I'm so glad you can remember my name. Now tell me." Itachi's eyes suddenly grew crimson. "Where is the Kyuubi holder?"

If Sasuke wasn't scared out of his mind he might have rolled his eyes.

"In his home, sleeping. Either that, or he actually managed to arrive earlier than me to the meeting spot."

"Stop lying. I already checked everywhere in Konoha but here. Now where is he?"

"I don't kno-"

"Morning Sasuke! Aww man, all that walking around tired me so much that I slept like a baby! Hey, who's that there? Isn't that Ita- OH MY GOSH IT IS! SASUKE! Hide! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! AND I NEVER GOT TO BECOME HOKAGE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE IN A MANSION! THE SHAME! OH, THE SHA-"

Before the Kyuubi-holder could finish his sentence, Itachi grabbed him quicker than you can say "!Billy.", and tucked him under his arm.

"LET ME GO! HELP! SASUKE!"

Sasuke clenched his fists in fury. He was sick and tired of Itachi always taking his friends and family. He was going to break his older brother's habit.Sasuke started to walk up to his older brother, who was walking towards the door.

"Hey Itachi!"

The 18 year old turned to look at his sibling. The boy looked...confident. Itachi right away wanted to squash his brother's confidence.

He pulled out a rope, tied up Naruto, pushed Sasuke against the wall, and held him by his neck. And all under 0.9 seconds.

"Foolish little brother. You'll never be as strong as me. Because... you...lack... hatre-"

"Your mom..."

"What was that?"

"I said your mom!"

"WHAT?"

"I SAID YOUR MOM! YOUR MOM! YOUR MOM! YOUR MOM! YOUR MOM! YOUUUUURRR MMMOOMMM!"

Panting, Sasuke glared at his brother with pure hatred. Absolute pure hatred. Itachi looked at him in shock.

"Sasuke, you do realize that we share the same mo-"

"YOUR MOM!"

"Sasuke, our mom is dead alrea-"

"YOUR MOM!"

"LET ME TAL-"

"YOUR MOM!"

"Sas-"

"YOUR MOM!"

"YOUR MOM!"

"BUT I DIDN"T SAY ANYTHI-"

"Y.O.U.R. M.O.M."

"THAT'S IT! I GIVE U-"

"Yoooooouuur mooooooooooomm..."

Itachi was mortified. He had seen pure hatred in the eyes of his brother, who displayed his hatred in a very unusual way. Sasuke had...dissed him. He never thought his sibling would ever have the courage to insult him. He had no choice...he would have to use Mangekyo Sharingan's special effect.

You see, the price for Mangekyo Sharingan is loss of eyesight and a tendency to have unique accessories.(i.e., wide collars, masks that cover only half your face, etc.)

But in return, Mangekyo Sharingan is worth it. The users gain Mangekyo Sharingan's powers, and its rare effect. Ultimate dissing powers.

Itachi activated Mangekyo Sharingan's special effect by blinking twice. He did this in a subtle way.

Unfortunately, Sasuke noticed this. He took this as an indication that Itachi was up to something.

"Naruto, get behind me.I'm gonna show him a thing or two."

"Foolish little brother. Prepare to have your momma dissed beyond belief!"

"I think you're the foolish one. No wait, you're mom is!"

"Naruto. Get behind me NOW."

The Kyuubi-Holder followed his best friend's orders. It wasn't that he was scared. He just thought the two were being dumb insulting their own mama.

"Sasuke."

"Itachi."

The two brothers faced each other with a silent itensity that rivaled no other. Itachi was the first to talk.

"Your mom is so stupid, that she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept!"

"Your mom."

"Your Mom's breath is so bad, she made a tic tac run away!"

"Your mom."

"Your mom is so poor, she can't even pay attention!"

"...Your mom."

Itachi growled. Sasuke was using the same insult over and over again, and he was still beating him! No...Sasuke would never beat him.

Ever.

He had to keep trying.

"Your Mom's so hairy, she got an armpit trim and lost 20 pounds!"

"Itachi..."

"What?"

"Your mom... is your mom..."

Itachi felt his eyes dim. If he kept the Mangekyo sharingan open any longer, he would go blind. He had to use the ultimate insult. He drew his breath, and screamed,

"YOUR MOM IS SO FAT, THAT HER PICTURE WEIGHS 20 POUNDS!"

Silence.

Suddenly a cool voice spoke.

"Your mom."

And as those final words were said, Itachi felt his world go black.

* * *

"Ugh...where am I?"

Itachi woke up in blackness.

"I can't see..."

"Itachi. You finally woke up."

"Kisame? Is that you? Where am I?"

"At the hideout."

"How'd I get here?"

"We found you unconscious just outside your brother's mansion."

"...Why can't I see?" Itachi asked this question in dread, already knowing the anwser.

"Itachi...you're blind."

* * *

Well? Liked it? Hate it? If you hate it, review anyway so I can e-mail you asking for an explanation. And if you're e-mail doesn't exist, I'll just post my response in my next chapter.

Ja ne!


	6. Chapter 6

Yo! Thank you everyone for the reviews! 

Oh and I forgot something. When I posted Helix's letter, it started with "things first." It was suppose to say "First things first." Heh heh. Sorry.

This chapter is dedicated to the class 222, all my reviewers, underdogs who have a dream, and Raine my glomp buddy who will appear in chapter 8.

I have a dream for this fic. To get 100 reviews! And if I get 100 reviews, I'll keep aiming higher and higher! ...Yeah.

Also, I've been thinking. Haven't you people gotten tired of Sasuke saying the same diss over and over again? A certain waitress might change things next chapter...

Anyway, this chapter is the randomest written work I have ever written. Just a warning.

On with the fic!

* * *

_Last chapter..._

_"Your mom..."_

* * *

In the darkness of a gothic bedroom in Konoha, a pair of dark green eyes gleamed. They darted towards the blueprints of its owner's latest revenge plan. Soon...soon... 

Wocky will have her revenge...

In the darkness of a frilly pink bedroom in Akutsuki's hideout, a pair of crimson blind eyes gleamed. They darted towards the blueprints of its owner's latest revenge plan. Soon...soon...

Itachi will have his revenge...

In the darkness of an even more frillier pink bedroom in the Village hidden in Sand, a pair of mascara-covered eyes gleamed. They darted towards the blueprints of its owner's latest pre-revenge plan. I mean hey, a ninja's gotta be prepared.

Gaara will have his pre-revenge...

* * *

"ACHHOO!" 

"Woah. That was loud Teme."

"A-ACHOOO!"

"...Teme, are you okay?"

"A-A-A-ACCHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!"

"...Y'know Sasuke, they say you sneeze when someone is thinking about you."

"Dobe. That doesn't apply to me. If it did, I would sneeze 24/7."

"How come?"

"One word Naruto. Fangirls."

"Ah. Well, they also say if you sneeze really loud, someone might be plotting revenge against you."

"As if. Who would want revenge against moi?"

"One word Sasuke. Everyone."

Silence.

"You know, I've been wondering..."

"What?"

"Who are "they"? I mean, everyone always says "They say if you step on a crack, you break you're mother's back" or something like that."

"Well Sasuke, I think "they" are right behind you."

The "they" in question turned out to be a group of rabid fangirls who were stalking their beloved idol. When they saw that they were caught in the act, the group blushed and giggled in unision. Sasuke rolled his eyes. He waved at them in a go-away motion.

"Shoo. Me and dobe here are going to eat, and I'm sure you lovely ladies wouldn't want to watch this baka eating."

The fangirls continued their giggling while fleeing the scene.

"Grr..."

"Why are you growling, Naruto?"

"You just insulted me in front of all those girls!"

"So?"

"Argh...Let's just go and eat..."

"I'm guessing you want ramen."

"YAY! RAMEN!"

The two boys had once again a day off from missions, and decided to spend the rest of it eating. Why? Because when ninjas are bored, they eat. That's why.

Anyway, back to the story. Sasuke and Naruto were walking towards Iciraku's. When they got there however, Sasuke's evil dude senses were tingling.

"I don't think it's safe here..."

"Aww come on Sasuke! You just don't wanna go because you're paying!"

"...No, it's no that."

"Whatever. Now let's go!"

Naruto half-dragged his friend to his haven. Once Ayame spotted Naruto, she waved towards him.

"Naruto-kun! I knew you were gonna come! Hurry up, I saved you a seat!"

"Thanks Ayame-chan!"

-blush- "No problem Naruto-kun!"

Naruto flopped down on his seat. Sasuke sat down beside him.

"Looks like Hinata-chan has got some competition."

-blush-"Sasuke! That's not very nice!"

"Dobe. I didn't say anything."

"I did."

The blonde turned his head, only to come face to face with...

"GAARA-KUN!"

5 Minutes later, Gaara managed to pry the Kyuubi-Holder off him.

"GAARA-KUN! GAARA-KUN! GAARA-KUN! GAARA-KUN! GAARA-KUN! GAARA-KU-"

**Whap!**

"Ow!"

"Serves you right dobe."

"No it didn't! Gaara, that wasn't nice!"

"The world isn't nice."

"You're not the world!"

"But I am the centre of the universe."

"...Gaara, sometimes I worry you're related to the Uchiha's."

"Where did you come up with that conclusion?"

"Because like them, your egos get bigger everytime I meet you."

Silence.

_**Whap!**_

"OW!"

"Sasuke."

The raven-haired boy looked up towards the Raccoon-Holder.

"What?"

"Aren't you gonna ask why I'm here?"

"Umm...no..." (Naruto: sweatdrop)

"Well, wouldn't you like to know?"

"Umm...no..." (Naruto: bigger sweatdrop)

"Then what kind of ninja are you? Aren't good ninjas suppose to want to gather new information?"

"Umm...no..." (Naruto: biggest sweatdrop)

"I'll tell you anyway."

"Umm...no..." (Naruto: drowns in sweatdrop)

"The two boys watched as the blonde choked and sputtered...and finally disappeared in the authoress's gigantic plothole, which had changed into a whirlpool from Naruto's sweatdrop.

"Wow..."

"I guess we won't see him till next chapter."

"Guess so. Now where were we?"

"We were talking about you gonna tell me why you were here."

"Oh yes. You see Uchiha, I had a feeling you would do something terrible and unspeakable to me."

"But I haven't done anythi-"

"Hold on, wait for me to finish. So I decided to plot revenge in advance."

"Revenge for something I haven't done yet? You must have a lot of time on your hands..."

"Yeah...well anyway, I have heard of your so-called awesome dissing skills. Now what better pre-revenge plan than to beat your opponent at their strengths? That way, they feel so humiliated, that they wouldn't ever dare to speak again!"

After Gaara had valiantly announced this, all you could were chirping crickets. Why? Review and I'll tell you.

"I'll meet you at the front of Lady Hokage's tower in five minutes. Prepare to be dissed."

"But I haven't done anythi-"

Too late. Gaara disappeared with a poof of smoke. Sasuke sighed. Now he would have to diss on an empty stomach AGAIN! Oh well. Sasuke followed en suite of Gaara.

* * *

In front of the Hokage's tower... 

"Are you ready for this Uchiha?"

"...Hn. Go first."

"Okay...

But I should warn you. I have a special bloodline that activates whenever I insult a Sharingan user's mom."

"That's oddly specific."

"I know."

"Ready?"

"Yep."

Gaara drew his breath.

"Your mom is so ugly, that when she smiled at the police, she got arrested for indecent exposure."

"Your mom..."

"Your mom's a miracle of nature; she has an IQ of 2 and she's still able to speak."

"Cough-your mom-cough."

Your mom proves that women can live without brains."

Sasuke was starting to get bored. He decided to imitate his friends with his insults. First was Naruto.

"Your mom! Believe it!"

"Your mom is so cheap, she's on the dollar menu."

Next was Sakura. "CHA! Your mom!"

Sasuke smirked as he watched Gaara start to sweat. Just a few more...

"Oh yeah?

"Your mom's so dumb, she tried to steal a free sample!"

Itachi's turn. "You...lack your mom..."

"Some people have called your mom a wit... They're half right!"

Deidera. "Your mom, hm?"

Gaara growled. "I'm warning you Uchiha, if you don't give up soon, I'll be forced to used my secret bloodline."

"...hn..."

"I warned you..."

Gaara started forming chinese hand signs.

Tiger, Ox, snake, monkey, tiger, random cricket...

"Secret jutsu; Anti-Sharingan raising their ancient ancestors no jutsu!"

A sand covered hand crept out of the ground in front of Gaara. Slowly, the hand turned into an arm, a shoulder...a head.

Sasuke gasped when he discovered who it was.

"M-MOM!"

The zombie didn't say a word. Gaara grinned at the boy's shock.

"Surprised, ne?"

"Well...yeah."

"Let's get back to our disses! Your mom is so slow, that she'd have to speed up to stop!"

Sasuke watched in bewilderment as his ancestor's corpse started mimicking a running turtle. Gaara watched the look on Sasuke's face with sadistic happiness.

"Like what you see Uchiha? You see, whatever I say, you're mom actually becomes. That is my bloodline's effect."

"And this bloodline only effects Sharingan Users?"

"Yep."

"What if I was blind?"

"I dunno. The corpse would probably wither into a thousand pieces."

"Okay, wait. I need to think."

Sasuke sat down on the ground with a flop. He started trying to think of ideas. After two hours and eight minutes he had finally thought of something.

"Hey Gaara?"

"The redhead had also been sitting on the ground. He looked up.

"Yeah?"

"Does you're bloodline effect all Sharingan users at the same time?"

"Yeah. Once I use it, it works on all living or dead Uchihas."

"But since my brother is blind, why isn't my mother's corpse withering into a thousand pieces?"

Sasuke's mom heard this. She let out a shrill scream before crumbling before their eyes. Sasuke turned to the bewildered boy.

"Does this mean I've won?"

"Ummm...LOOK! A distraction!"

Gaara vanished.

"Huh? Where? HEY! Ugh...can't believe I fell for that."

The sky stared turning dark. The Authoress's plotwhirlpool appeared and Naruto appeared with it.

"WAHHHHHHHH!"

Thud.

"Oww...hey Teme. What did i miss?"

* * *

Like it? Read Or review! 


	7. Chapter 7

A reviewer... 

named Irsool...

submitted...

the...

100th REVIEW!

BANZAI!

I'm so happy! I'll keep writing, even though my goal is fufilled. For now I have a different goal.

Two...

hundred...

reviews!

I hope whoever is reading this is not sweatdropping right now.

This chapter is dedicated to Raine my glomp buddy who will appear in the next chapter, the class 222, Ai my friend who will appear with Raine, and my mom.

Sorry if I took so long. I was busy watching "Loveless." The best thing I like is the cat ears! It's a bit creepy, considering the age difference between Ritsuka and Soubi.

Read and review!

* * *

_Snicker._

"Heh."

_Snicker snicker._

"Heh heh."

_Snicker snicker snicker._

"Heh heh heh."

_Snicker snicker snicker snicker._

"Heh heh heh heh."

_Snicker snicker snicker snicker snic-_

"Heh heh heh heh he-"

**Crash.**

"OW! Watch where you're going! I was busy snickering!"

"I should say the same to you! Besides I was doing something far more important. Heh-ing."

"Grr... I hate punks like you...always talking back...just like that Uchiha..."

"Uchiha? Are you talking about my foolish little brother?"

"Your brother? Wait that means you'r-" Wocky's forest green eyes widened.

"Yes I am. Who are you and why do you hate my brother so much?"

"My name is Wocky. I hate you're brother because I lost 20 000 dollars because of him."

"I see. And are you a girl or a boy?"

"I'm wearing a dress. Are you blind or just being a smartmouth?"

"I'm blind."

"Oh. Sorry."

"It's okay."

"Hmm..."

"So...what do you wanna talk about now?"

"I dunno. What do two Sasuke haters usually do when they meet?"

"I think they plan revenge together."

"But I already have a revenge plan."

"So do I! What a coincidence! Does yours happen to be about violet nail polish?"

"How did you guess?"

Itachi's blind eyes blinked back tears of happiness. Here was someone who shared a deep resentment towards Sasuke and enjoyed purple nail polish!

He was so lonely at the hideout. The Akutsuki leader had decided that purple nail polish was out, and orange was in. Now he no longer had an excuse to waste hours and hours on repainting his pinky over and over again. The Akutsuki leader had also decided that demon-hunting was old and ballroom-dancing was sick.

Itachi had no one to talk to about how foolish his little brother was. He had tried EVERYONE. First he talked with Deidera.

_Flashback start

* * *

_

"Deidera, isn't Sasuke so foolish? I mean, there is no possible way he could get any foolisher. Actually their is but it involves a sti-"

"Why don't you bother Kisame, hmm?"

"Okay."

Then he attempted to converse with his partner.

"Hey sharky, isn't Sasuke the most irritating little bugger you've ever met? Well? Isn't he?"

"Not now Itachi, I'm going to practice my fox trot with Sasori. How about Tobi?"

"Sure."

Itachi wouldn't give up. He found the boy in the garden with Zetsu, watering the roses.

"Yo Tobi. Don't you just loathe my brother?"

Tobi cringed. Zetsu nudged him.

"Well Tobi? Anwser his question!"

"Tobi...Tobi is...TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

The other two sweatdropped in unision. Itachi turned to the cannibal.

"Zetsu?" The plant-man cringed. His mind raced as he tried to think of an excuse.

"I think Deidera and Sasori are taking a break. Why don't you chat with them?"

"Thanks."

Zetsu had been telling the truth. Itachi discovered them in the gym talking about Picasso.

"It's ugly! There is no form of grace in it, hmm!"

"It's not ugly! It's merely unique!"

"Umm... hey guys. Does anyone want to talk about Sasuke?"

Both art-lovers turned to Itachi.

"Okay, but first tell us what you think of Picasso. Hmm."

(Gulp)

"W-well umm...you s-see..."

Normally Itachi was a very outspoken teen. If Kisame asked him if he looked fat in red, he would honestly say yes. If Zetsu asked him if he thought Tobi was cute, he would truthfully say no.

But when faced with the two scary artists on another art argument, there was no way he could side with either. If he allied with Sasori, he would find clay bombs in his laundry thirteen days later. If he went with Deidera, a suspicious puppet would stick itself onto his teddy, Mr.Snuffles.

Itachi Uchiha was in a dillema he couldn't talk his way out of. Unless...

"You know what you guys? I think I hear my mom calling. Bye!"

"But you kil-"

Too late. He was gone.

* * *

_Flashback end_

"HELLLOOOOO...ANYONE HOME? I'VE BEEN STANDING HERE FOR SEVEN HOURS AND EIGHTEEN MINUTES!"

The Uchiha blinked and snapped out of his trance.

"Oro? Sorry...I was having a flashback."

"FOR SEVEN HOURS AND EIGHTEEN MINUTES!"

"Ummm...gomen nasai?"

(sigh) "Never mind. So are we gonna go to my house to plan?"

"Yeah...Y'know, I was thinking about kidnapping the Kyuubi-holder and placing him in a deserted warehouse to lure Sasuke..."

"Don't you mean dobe-napping the Kyuubi-holder?"

"Whatever."

And with that, the two villians sped to Wocky's gothic mansion.

* * *

**"LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA-achoo!-LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALAL-HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING! OWW! OH NO! NOT YOU TWO AGAIN! WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH! WA-"**

The dobe was instantly hushed after he was gagged and tied into a breathable bag.

"He's kinda loud, isn't he?"

"Hai. I wonder how my little brother puts up with this?"

"I don't. I just buy him ramen. It keeps him quiet. For a while. Then I have to buy him more."

"Ramen? Why that's an excellent idea Wocky!"

"Umm...I didn't say that."

"Then who did? No could possible know what this baka wants excep- oh."

"Hello Itachi. How are you?"

"I'm fine, thank you."

"And Wocky, have you been okay? I hope you're not still sore about the 20 grand you lost."

_(twitch)_ 'Why would I be mad about that?"

"Oh I don't know...**maybe it's because you kidnapped my best friend, gagged him and tied him up, and to top it all, have a banner right in front of this deserted warehouse saying, "I'm still sore about the 20 grand I lost" in bold bright letters!"**

Silence.

"Yeah. Maybe that has something to do with it."

Silence again.

"So Sasuke..."

"What nii-san?"

"Since you're here, can me and Wocky ambush you know?"

"Sure, I've got nothing else better to do. But only if you free Naruto afterwards."

"Deal. You can start first."

"Whatever." Sasuke cleared his mouth. "Your mom."

The scary duo smirked. Sasuke had fallen for the trap.

"Ah, but who's mom? Mine's or his?" Wocky taunted, holding her head high.

_"Shoot."_ Sasuke realized. His diss didn't work on more than one person! He had no choice but to say... nothing.

The pair waited a few moments. Realizing step A of their plan had worked, they started step B of their "humilate Sasuke" plan. Diss him together!

"Your mom is so dumb, when she flushed the toilet after using it, she asked the toilet why'd it steal her pee!"

"Your mom's so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!"

"Ummm..."

Your mom's so fat she fell in love and broke it!"

"Your mom is so fat people jog around her for exercise!"

"Ummm..."

Your mom's so poor burglars break in her house and leave money!"

Your mom is so ugly, she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!"

"..Argh..."

Sasuke was near exhaustion. He could only hold on for a few more seconds...

The couple observed their arch nemesis gasping for breath. They turned to each other and nodded. Together, they said in unision,

"YOUR MOMMA'S SO UGLY THAT PEOPLE AT THE ZOO PAY CASH SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO SEE HER!"

That was it.

As Sasuke's world turned black, he heard a voice scream his name.

Or maybe that was his imagination.


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! 

Okay, I'm done. I'm so happy you guys like my story! I hope you find this one acceptable!

I have a question for all you Fruit Basket fans. Is Hatsuharu straight? Because I heard he liked Yuki, but then I also heard he liked Rin. Or maybe he likes them both...

Also...

I've been doing some research on literal japanese translations. Teme can be as an impolite way of saying "you" OR b-st-rd. So therefore, Helix Kamikaze and the thousands of other fanfic authors are half-right.

No disses in this chapter. Gomen!

Disclaimer: Don't follow older men.

* * *

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"Oh my Akito...where the heck am I? Dang, it hurts..."

Sasuke woke up with an intense pain in his noggin. He looked around, acknowledging his surrondings. He had somehow woken in a poorly-lit, but brightly-painted room. It was very stylish, and looked like a single adult's living room.

Except for the fact that bishounen plushies nearly flooded the place.

Observing the plushies, Sasuke started to reconize some of them from the latest anime-con.

Shigure, Ayame, Hatori, Haru, Momiji, Hiro, and Yuki from Fruits Basket.

Yoh, Hao, Lyserg, Ren, Horo, and Faust from Shaman King.

Shuichi, Hiro, Tohma, Ryuuichi, and Yuki from Gravitation.

Satoshi, Daisuke, Dark, and Krad from D.N. Angel.

Kai, Takao, Max, Tala, Ray, Brooklyn, Mystel, and Zeo from Beyblade.

Tsusuka, Kite, Balmung, and Shugo from .Hack/Sign.

Raito and L from Deathnote.

Ritsuka and Soubi from Loveless.

Wrath, Envy, Roy, Edward, Fletcher, Russell, and Al from Full Metal Alchemist.

Ryou, Bakura, Marik, Mariku, Yami, Yugi, Seto, Ootogi, and Joey from Yugioh.

Sunao, Sora, Mitsuri, Yoru, Ran, Nanami, Shinichirou,Ichikawa, Nagase, the Chibis, and Hiromu from Sukisho.

Finally, Naruto, Negi, Gaara, Rock Lee, Kakashi, Iruka, Kiba, Shino, Shikamaru, Itachi, Deidera, Sasori, and...HIM?

Weird.

Voices coming from the door distracted the boy from his sight-seeing. He started to head towards it when he reconized voices. He stopped dead in his tracks.

Shivers ran down his spine.

Sasuke Uchiha was afraid.

Very afraid.

* * *

There were many kind of shops in Konoha. Beauty shops. Accessory shops. Rip-off shops. Lawyers against rip-off shops shops. Lawyers against lawyers against rip-off shop shops. Back to the point.

Besides all these shops, there was a single bishounen shop. The shop owners were two (insane) sisters named Ai and Raine, famous for creating zany and random holidays, annoying people, and winning the Fangirl Awards of 2001. They sold bishounen-centered plushies, pins, masks, pencils, stationary, puppets, and fruits. They also happened to be Sasuke's kidnappers.

It might be hard to imagine what kind of day these two go through. Let alone a business transaction.

But somehow...I managed to come up with a vague idea of what a customer would react to meeting Ai and Raine.

* * *

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Customer: (walks into store)

Raine: How are you? Do you require assistance?

Customer: I'm fine, thank yo-

Raine: WHO SAID I WAS SO SMALL THAT I LOOK LIKE A PINPRICK OF INK ON A 1 MM BY 1MM PIECE OF PAPER?

Customer: I didn't say tha-

Ai: (Pops out of nowhere) MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE COME TO KILL YOU CHIBI-SAN!

Raine: I AM NOT SHORT, PALM-TREE!

Customer: (Runs out of shop)

Raine and Ai: Where ya going? Today's "Impersonate Ed and Envy" day! Half off Envy plushies. Buy two Edward keychains, get 1 free! Wait! (Runs after customer)

Now you can understand his fear.

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* * *

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Sasuke tried to run. He honestly did. But these girls...were fangirls. It's IMPOSSIBLE to out run a fangirl. That, and the fact that he tripped on a Ruroni Kenshin plushie. (Halloween Edition.) He was immedietely glomped.

"Oh Sassy-chan! It's me Raine!"

"And me Ai!"

The girls stopped glomping him for a brief moment to flip their midnight-black hair and declar,

"AND WE'RE YOUR FAIRY GODPARENTS!"

"...Your kidding, right?"

"...No. We're pretending!"

This proclaimation of stupidity drove Sasuke to bang his head on the nearest wall. Unfortunately, the nearest wall was blocked by a mountain of Kurama dolls. So it didn't really hurt.

Bang.

Bang.

Bang.

Bang.

* * *

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243 Head bangs later, the girls and Sasuke agreed to have a truce for tea.

"So let me get this straight. You two found me unconscious in an abandoned warehouse, and decided to bring me into your home so that later on, you could sell me at your shop for a low price of 2342 dollars and 66 cents?"

"...Yeah."

"We couldn't help it! You're such a bishie! Girls would DIE just to get their hands on you!"

"Didn't you're mother tell you to never bring strangers home?"

"...What's a mother?"

"...Never mind. Can I please go home now?"

"Of course not! It's time for our annual bishie sale! You're the main attraction!"

"You're kidding, right? Wait, don't tell me, you're pretending."

"Neither. Gosh. Play pretend once and everyone thinks you're a baby..."

The two shop owners grabbed Sasuke with their mad fangirl skillz, and dragged him to their store. They did this decently and Sasuke went along quietly. In other words, Sasuke was kicking and screaming like the brat he is.

"LEMME GO NOW! LET GO! RIGHT NOW! I'LL TELL ON YOU! MOM! NII-SAN! AKITO FROM FRUITS BASKET! ANYBODY! HELP! WAHH! MOMMY! YOU TWO ARE MEANIES! YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE NOW!"

Raine turned to her accomplince with distaste.

"Wow...who knew Uchihas were so loud..."

"Yeah or maybe it's just him." She turned to the brat. "Don't worry Sassy-chan! We're almost there!"

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* * *

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Meanwhile, Sasuke was in Sassyland, A.K.A., his make-up believe land. He had created it a long time ago when he was small. It looked suspiciously like candyland. Whenever he was lonely, happy, drunk,or simply fustrated, he went there.

The angsting aldoscent sat on one of the many sugar mushrooms that covered his kingdom and commenced...angsting.

"Man, my life sucks poo. I've been kidnapped by two crazed girls, got an evil brother to kill, a clan to avenge, find a girl and have babies in order to revive my clan. Dang, I need an aspirin."

Thus, the adventure for aspirin began.

First however, he had to think up of an adventure name. All the good adventurers had two names. After 12 minutes of pondering, Sasuke decided on a name; Sassy-chan. He didn't know why, but it made him feel pretty.

Sassy-chan started to walk towards...nowhere. He had no idea where he was heading. But he knew sooner or later, he'd come upon the legendary asprin.

"Halt!"

Sassy-chan halted and turned around. Lo and behold, a

...pink, fluffy human-sized bunny wearing chain mail came into view.

"Whom are thou? Thou are trespassing the Happy Regions. This-eth be the most offending act a person such as thee could commith."

Sassy-chan's eyes widened with surprise.

"Mr. Lovey-dovey-coochie-coo-goo-goo-ga-ga-sweetypie-kins, is that you?"

Mr. Lovey-dovey-coochie-coo-goo-goo-ga-ga-sweetipie-kins gasped.

"Sassy-chan! Dude, you're back! Man, all my homies got worried sick all over your lil'arse, yo. It's been, like what 2 weeks? Where've you been, yo?"

"Sorry. I don't space out nearly as often as I used to."

"Hn. Well anyway, what were ya lookin' for? If it's that pink mascara, I have it at home."

"No, it's not that Mr. Lovey-dovey-coochie-coo-goo-goo-ga-ga-sweetipie-kins. i'm looking for some aspirin."

The teddy bear's eyes lit up.

"What a coinkidink! So am I! Hey, why don'y you and I go cruisin' for it?"

"Sure."

"Also, can I bring my homies with me? They're lookin' for the legendary Aspirin too."

"Well, it might take a while for them to get here..."

"Don't worry, I keep them in my pocket!"

And so, the fellowship of the Aspirin was born. It consisted of Sassy-chan, Mr. Lovey-dovey-coochie-coo-goo-goo-ga-ga-sweetipie-kins, and 23 assorted jelly-beans. (His "homies.")

* * *

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Liked it? Hated it? Read and review!


	9. Chapter 9

I'm so sorry! (Mourns) There's only a short diss battle in this chapter! I hope you enjoy anyway! It's kind of funny... 

Anyway, this chapter is dedicated to I Have An Alter Ego, Raine, Aakansha who is Ai, and Midori-chan who is Miyako.

Thank you everyone!

Disclaimer: Over the hills and through the woods...

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"Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,

Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,

Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,

One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne

In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,

One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie."

"Wow Sassy-chan, that was deep. But not as deep as the REAL version.

Three pills for the Hokages under the sky,

Seven for the ANBU in their halls of stone,

Nine for the missing-nin doomed to die,

One for the Snake-Pervert on his dark throne,

In Northern Sassyland where the Sugar Mushrooms lie.

One Aspirin box to rule them all, one Aspirin box to find them.

One Aspirin box to bring them all, and in the Darkness bind them.

In Sassyland where the sugar mushrooms lie."

The homies applauded their friend's emotional poetry. Some of them had to wipe tears out of their eyes. Even Sassy-chan had to admit it was better than his version.

The fellowship had been taking a break for nightfall near a random campfire they had found merrily burning. To pass time they were reciting poetry.

A few hours later, it was starting to get old. You could only listen to the homies's ballad of "Twinkle twinkle little ninja" so many times before you start to puke out of boredom. Next, they decided to insult each others moms.

However, none of the jellybeans were prepared for Sassy-chan's extreme new insults. One by one, everyone passed out from exhaustion.

Except Sassy-chan and Mr. Lovey-dovey-coochie-coo-goo-goo-ga-ga-sweetipie-kins.

"You're good Sassy!"

Sassy-chan ignored this distraction and began his special attack. Overwelm no jutsu!

"Your mom is so ugly, she went to the bathroom and scared the sh!t out of the toilet! Your mom is so ugly she shaves her pits with a lawn mower! Yo mom's so fat She can't even fit in the chat room! Your mom's so fat she has to use hula hoops to hold up her socks! Yo mom's so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles!"

The bunny lay down, defeated.

The two sat in the silence of the night, content in each other's company.

Mr. Lovey-dovey-coochie-coo-goo-goo-ga-ga-sweetipie-kins turned his head lazily.

"Yo Sassy-chan."

"Yeah?"

"You know that poem I recited a few hours ago?"

"Uh huh. What about it?"

"It's a prophecy."

"I figured that much."

"Yo Sassy-chan."

"Yeah?"

"Wanna ditch these fools?"

"Like, yeah totally!"

"...What are you sniffing?"

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Meanwhile, in the real world...

Ai and Raine were hysteric. Their main attraction had fainted and showtime was in five minutes. The group were currently at the back of a stage they had set up in the middle of Konoha. A.K.A, at the tipitty-top of the Hokage's tower. And it just so happens that it was "Pretend you're Yuki and Kyo from Fruits Basket Hour," so...

**Slap. Slap. Slap.**

"WAKE UP YOU DANG RAT!"

"Stop it, you filthy cat. I'm the rat, not him."

"...WHAT DO YOU KNOW?"

"Obviously more than you."

Suddenly, a voice from out of the stage rang out.

"Can you maniacs take out this stage! We're trying to have the annual entire village meeting!"

Raine's eyes widened.

"Wake him up NOW, you darn rat!"

"Why do you keep avoiding using profanity?"

"Because this story is rated K! Now hurry!"

Ai started slapping the poor boy harder.

**"WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!"**

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Sassy-chan suddenly felt slightly naseous.

"Oh my stomach." He moaned.

His partner turned towards the ninja with a look of concern.

"Are you okay?"

"No." Sassy-chan grimanced. "I think I have to get back to reality."

"Aw...can't you stay a wee bit longer? We defeated the Hokages, missing-nins, and ANBUs, took their pills, discovered the Aspirin box in a chocolate factory, and are almost at the Snaky-Pervert's throne!" Mr. Lovey-dovey-coochie-coo-goo-goo-ga-ga-sweetipie-kins eyes pleaded.

"Sorry dude. I really got to go. I have a feeling my body is getting shaken and slapped roughly."

"Dang...ok, bye."

And thus, the authoress giant whirlpool swallowed the boy whole.

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**Slap. Slap. Slap. Sla-**

Ai was stopped by a kunai that had found it's way through hand.

"ARGH!" The fangirl promptly fainted. It must have been the blood...

Gaping, Raine turned towards the culprit.

"You just stabbed the cat!"

"So?"

"Thanks!"

"...o0o..."

"But now we need a replacement!" The girl pondered this for a while before saying, "I know! I'll call my equally insane (and secretly evil) cousin, Miyako!" She quickly took out a cellphone from Akito knows where and dialled. After some talking in their native tongue, (Rabidfangirlian), a poof of smoke materialized infront of the scary lady.

Out of the smoke, a girl who looked similar to Hinata appeared.

"Yo!"

The two girls glomped before turning toward the bishie, eyes glowing.

Poor Sasuke.

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Tsunade sighed. Those crazy sisters were at it again. First they had opened that worthless shop, now they set up a stage in her tower? She would have to talk to them later.

Suddenly, the room darkened. Everyone instantly ceased chatting. The crimson red stage curtains opened, revealing...

a certain dark-haired ninja in...a pink bunny suit.

The audience's reaction's were;

"...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Sasuke twitched.

"This is so embarassing..."

The two cousins walked elegantly towards the stage, wearing cat costumes. Not the anime kind. the kind a 6-year old wears for Halloween.

Raine grinned to the audience. "Hello Konoha!"

Miyako leered at the laughing crowd. "Let's get to the point. Is anyone here interested in buying this bishie?"

The crowd silenced.

Raine continued. "Because today, we are selling him for 2342 dollars and 66 cents!"

"So if you're interesting on buying, you have to enter our contest! Entrance fee is 200 dollars and 12 cents!"

The crowd started to murmur.

The evil cousin held up a hand. "Applicants please form a line in front of me!"

A woman's voice spoke up. "What kind of contest is this?"

The duo smirked. "You'll find out if you enter!"

The grumbling group slowly formed a line. After, everyone had payed, they all took their seats again, waiting for instructions. Miyako handed a bag of Konoha's population's cash to the silent but deadly bunny. "Put this in the back, allright Sassy?" The bunny followed the scary girl's orders.

Raine cleared her throat to address the crowd.

"Now that you have all paid, it's time to explain the rules." She looked at a watch on a villager's arm. "Right now it is 6:00 pm. You have one hour to catch Sasuke. Starting...NOW!"

The girls and the stage disappeared, leaving behind a confused group and bunny.

A few moments later, Raine's speech started to sink into everyone.

The crowd simutaniously turned towards the poor boy. In unision, everyone yelled...

"GET HIM!"

And with a girlish scream, Sasuke ran as fast as he could, away from the world.

* * *

Oh Sassy, why didn't you stay home today? 


	10. Chapter 10

Taijiya Hatake Uchiha...SUBMITTED THE 200TH REVIEW. 

(hands Taijiya a left foot plushie)

Oh yeah...I forgot to give Irsool a plushie.

(gives Irsool a right foot plushie)

Anyways, thank you for so many reviews!

I read each one and enjoy them to their youthful extent!

...Gomen. Rock Lee moment.

This chapter is dedicated to my two wonderful cousins who I haven't seen in a while, Miyako, Aakansha, I Have An Alter Ego, Raine, Taijiya Hatake Uchiha, Irsool, Haine, and my little sister. Arigato! (bows and hits head on computer) Ow...

And for my cousins; Katty is my "good" cousin's oc! (grin) Like the name?

On to other matters...I've been thinking on starting a story where Sasuke anwsers letters.

...But first, I need letters.

So please send them in! They could be flames, raves, rants, or anything you can think of! I only have one so far. I hope to change that!

Disclaimer: Suck on a rat...

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Running running running running running running running running ru-ow.

Sasuke-bunny had ran into a pole.

A familiar voice screamed in his head, "BOO, YOU SUCK POO!"

Sasuke mentally growled at the voice. He picked himself up and continued running away from Konoha.

Running running running running running running running running ru-ow.

He had ran into a person. A very fat person. A person so fat they probably use a toilet brush to clean their belly button. And so revolting they probably use the same toilet brush for their ears. Upon closer inspection, Sasuke realized the "person" was actually three extremely dirty people standing together. The "person" glared at said boy. He gulped. The "person" was...

**Choji's mother's father-in-law's brother's twice-removed uncle's cousin's daughter's great-great-great-grandson's daughters!**

...I know, you have no idea who they are. Their names are Haine, Katty, and Boo Boo. The girls were related to Choji, Raine, and other random people in Konoha. Which means they had inherited the crazy fangirl gene.

To make matters worse, the group was extremely enraged and it just so happened to be "Pretend to be Gangstas Covered in Dirt for 45 minutes."

"WHT T3H HCK DI U JST DU!" Haine. (Translation:What the heck did you just do!)

"W3'R3 G!NNA SL1CE j00 O3PN!" Katty. (We're gonna slice you open!)

"GSOG!Hu137sfdae723hsfd7!" Boo Boo. ( . . . )

"Umm...What did you just say?"

Three visible veins popped out of the girls's foreheads.

"PRE3PAR 2 DIII, N0oB!" (Prepare to die, Noob!) The three chorused as they took out a slew of weapons. And not the standard kunai, senbon, and shuriken. The girls took out bazookas, grenades, .45, bats with nails in them, iron bars, kitchen knifes, etc.

Sasuke's eyes widened as he realized his ninjas weapons didn't stand a chance against pure evil. Quickly, his mind raced to think of something. Anything...

_Ding!_ A lightbulb lit up over the Sasuke's head.

"Why don't you and I have a little competition?" The boy drawled smoothly. "A "Your mom" competition. If I win, you let me go free. If you win, you can blast to your heart's content."

The group raised their eyebrows.

"Y dn't w3 jst blst u n0w?" Haine. (Why don't we just blast you now?)

"Y3AH!" Boo Boo and Katty agreed. (Yeah.)

"Umm...because my brother's an evil gangster who'll kill you if you blast me before we have this competition!"

The three exchanged whispered opinions bfore stating their chorused result to Sasuke.

"J00r 0n! U g0 f!r5t!" (Your on! You go first!)

"Allrighty. Ahem..."

Sasuke pointed at Boo Boo.

"Your mom is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. And," He pointed to Katty.

"Calling your mom dumb would be an insult to dumb people. As for you,"

Sasuke gestured towards Haine.

"Does your mom have a terribly empty feeling - in her skull?"

After being insulted, the girls were outraged. They were prepared to insult him...in proper english, because the 45 minutes was over.

"If your mom could tell everything she knew, it would only take ten seconds! Your mom's so dumb she got smacked by a statue! Your mom's so dumb she stole a free sample!"

Sasuke flashed his copyrighted smirk.

"Oh yeah? Your mom is so poor she uses cheerios for earrings! And I could make a monkey out of your mom, but why should I take all the credit? And finally, I don't think your mom is a fool. But then, what's my opinion against thousands of others?"

The girls collapsed, realizing they were defeated.

Sasuke continued on his way.

(Next stop, Suna!)

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Omake 1:

"Hey Sasuke?"

"Yeah Naruto?"

"When did you realize that just saying your mom wouldn't work?"

"Oh...you see when I was knocked out cold by Itachi and Wocky, I had a vision."

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_Flashback start_

"What the fudge?"

The raven-haired boy sat up in a small pool, surrounded by bamboo trees.

"Where am I?"

"You are in the Village Hidden in Fanfiction, young grasshopper."

Sasuke spun around, only to come face to face with...some old guy.

"Who are you?"

"I...am..your..FATHER."

"Lol, just kidding."

"What's "lol" suppose to mean?"

"...Look a...GIANT PENCIL!"

Sasuke clapped happily. "Where?"

"Oops, must've been the leaves. Now on to more important matters," the old man sat on the ground. "You have been brought here to learn two important lessons. One of them is the secret to the Your mom disses. The other is how to burn someone with cold water."

"A.W.E.S.O.M.E."

_Flashback end_

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"The old man taught me, that while the words "Your mom" have great power, over-using them wears them out. So that's why I now uses longer sentences."

"Did you really learn how to burn people with cold water?"

"No...But I can burn people with hot water! See?" (burns Naruto)

"...(dies)."

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Liked it? Read and review! Send letters!


	11. Chapter 11

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in sooo long! It's just that I've been busy with my other stories! I promise I'll update more often! 

The disses come in later in the chappie, if that's what you're looking for!

And surprise! Sasuke's not doing the insults this time!

Please enjoy!

The insult with the vegetables is from Shikamaru's Butterfly!

Dedicated to I Have An Alter Ego, Shikamaru's Butterfly, Cherry Flavored Sakura, Darkscythe, and Takanari!

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45, 46 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 6-

Miyako snapped shut her watch, already knowing what came after 59.

"Psst Raine."

"Hmm...what?"

"It's seven o clock."

"So?"

"Doesn't that means the Uchiha should've been caught by now?"

"You're right...I think I'll sound the Sassy alarm."

The two girls had been lying down lazily outside the Hokage's tower, playing Go Fish. Now that the hour was up, they could finally move on to spending the money. But first...they had to see who caught our dear Sassy-chan.

Raine started her way to the tippity top of the tower. She climbed it from the outside, so that she could stand on top of the tower.

Once she got that, she started the Sassy alarm, that had been patiently waiting there for her.

The Sassy Alarm was a device they had created while they had been waiting. It looked like a giant Uchiha fan the size of a room. It was made to catch the attention of Sasuke...wherever he was.

Raine grabbed the hilt of the fan, and started waving it.

It wasn't as heavy as it looked. Oh no, it was 10 times heavier, because the hilt of the fan was made out of stainless steel.

So you can imagine that every so often, she had to lay it down in order to catch a breather. Therefore, not so many people saw the fan. Which meant they were still on the hunt for the poor boy.

If anything, the people who saw it thought that it was a signal to go on.

Poor, poor Sassy.

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Meanwhile in a dessert near Suna,

The hot, hot sun was glaring down on our hero rather fiercely. Sasuke struggled through the heat, trying to reach his objective; As far away from those crazed fangirls and the crazed rabid mob of Konoha's population.

"W-water..."

His toungue was parched. He needed water so badly, that he might've wet himself from water dehydration.

Yes, you can wet yourself from water dehydration.

...0.0...

Stop looking at me like that.

Suddenly, a gust of sand from a dune in front of Sasuke swept away, revealing...a small studio.

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_"Nasuke..."_

_"Yes Saruto?"_

_"I'm so sorry. The test results came in."_

_"What is it?"_

_"You're not Zaku and Habuza's baby!"_

_"Then who's am I?"_

_"You're...Iisame's and Ktachi's!"_

_" . . .No effing way."_

_"Lol, just kidding. You're actually Rai-sensei's and Gock-Lee's!"_

_" ... . .0-0. . . ..."_

"And that's a wrap! good work people!"

The cast of The Young and the Eyebrowless had just finished their 700th episode. The director was extremely proud the show and was expecting another season. The Young And the Eyebrowless had been an iternational hit villagewide. Ninjas were crowding the streets and balconies of civillians just to watch an episode on a t.v. In fact, bad guys and good guys put away their hatred for each other, just to watch an episode together.

For example;

_"Sasuke...you...lack...the third season of the Young And the Eyebrowless!"_

_"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.O.O.O.O.!"_

_"Wanna watch at my place? Kisame's bringing popcorn!"_

_"Like, tottally!"_

Now you may think this is totally unrelated to Sasuke's water situation. Well, it isn't. Because this is where Sasuke's headed. The Young And the Eyebrowless's studio.

You know why? Because I said so.

So boo hoo.

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Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock. Kno-

"Hello? Who is i-Holy Ra! It's Sasuke Uchiha! I think he fainted."

"By jove, it is!"

"What should we do with him, Daara?"

"Maybe we should take him in, Nasuke. He looks like he's gonna wet himself from water dehydration."

"Yes you can wet yourself from water dehydration."

"Stop looking at me like that."

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In the Akatsuki hideout,

"And he was like "Violet nail polish is so yesterday, hmm!" I was like, "Oh no you didn't!" and slapped his head upside!"

"Itachi! Get off the phone!"

"But Wocky! This is like super important!"

"Off. Now. Or. else. I'll. Tell. Leader-Sama."

"Gosh. You're such a jerk..."

Wocky sighed. Living with Akatsuki was difficult. For one thing, they needed pedicures every second day, and manicures every third day. Next, if they didn't get to talk on their cell phones for at least 13 hours, they would throw a bratty tantrum. If she didn't know they were guys, she could've swore they were prissy high-school drama queens.

Wocky checked her midnight black watch. It read 7:30.

"Itachi! It's time for you're daily fight with Deidera!"

The sulky bishounen pouted. "But me and Kisame were going out!"

"Go. Now. Or. else. I'll. Tell. Leader-Sama."

"Gosh. You're such a jerk..."

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Outside of Deidera's bedroom.

Knock.

"Let me in, Dei! It's time for our fight!"

Muffled murmuring.

"What was that?"

"I can't I'm busy talking to Danna, hmm! Anyway Saso, and he was like "Oh no you didn't!" and slapped me upside the head, hmm!"

"Deidera! Now!"

"Fine! You're so mean hmm..."

And out walked Deidea in all of his pink, frilly version of the akatsuki robe glory.

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In an arena owned by Akatsuki...

"Ready, hmm?"

"You start!"

"Fine, hmm! Your mom is so ugly, she uses a line of makeup called "Why Bother!"

"Your Mom's so fugly, that when she went to rob a bank she didnt have to wear a mask, she just walked up and said "Put the money in the bag!"

"Your mom's so fat, All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Your Mom! Hmm!"

"Your mom's so smelly that the only diss I'm gonna give her is Disinfectant... "

"Your mom's so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock? Hmm!"

"Your Mom's so dumb she waited all day at a stop sign!"

"Your Mom's so dumb she blinked and got lost!"

"Your mom's so fat people jog around her for exercise! Hmm!"

"YOUR MOM THINKS THE SQUARE ROOTS ARE VEGTABLES!"

"Oh yeah...YOUR MOM! TU MAMA! TON MERE! Hmm!"

Itachi legs buckled, and he fell on the ground in a heap, panting.

"You win this time, Dei!"

"Yeah, hmm! And since I win i get to borrow that hot denim short shorts, hmm!"

"NOOOOOOOOO.O.O.O.O.O.!"

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Liked it? Hated it? R and R!


	12. Chapter 12

Dedicated to , Naruto's Wifey, Joy Asataru, Kita Fuji, Labbess, and everyone else who's helped me. You know who you are... 

Disclaimer: I love plots. I like to watch them as they pass by.

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Sasuke had been revived, and was now been hiding out in Daara's richly furnished room (that was conviniently located in the studio) for the last two days. The two had become friends over the short period of time. Mainly because Daara's high-tech computer had access to high speed internet, 243 channels on tv, a super ultra mega ultimate comfy bed, and a toaster.

"Yo ho ho...yo ho ho...a pirate's life for me..."

"Sasuke?"

"Yes Daara?"

"Where'd you get that?"

"Get what?"

"That "yo ho" stuff."

"Oh that. Itachi used to sing me that to sleep every night."

"Ah...say Sasuke, when are you gonna stop hanging out in my room and go back home?"

"Well, I might stick around here for a few days to see the sights in Suna..."

"The sights?"

"Of course. The great Sand. N. Tower, The great Statue of Blue Librety Sand, the Leaning tower of Sand...

"Aren't all those places the same thing, just under a different name?"

"Umm..."

"Never mind. I'm gonna go out. Stay here."

"Why?"

"'Cause if the director finds out I'm hiding you, he'll sell you back to Konoha for an all low price of 12 dollars and 43 cents."

"That's oddly specific...are you related to Gaara, by any chance?"

"I think my uncle is his sister..."

"What?!? How is that possible?"

"Uh...gotta go, toodles!"

Moments passed of nothingness. The Sharingan user felt the familiar threads of boredom slowly bind themselves into his emo ridden heart. To pass time, he decided to check his e-mail on the computer.

Lazily, Sasuke typed in his e-mail address: (censored to prevent fangirls/boys from sending spam) and password: AxelxRoxas4ever.

"Let's see... junk, junk, junk...hmm, what's this?"

Interest perked, the Uchiha clicked on the mysterious e-mail.

Sender: U 1ack h8tr3d. from: (not censored because Itachi-kun loves spam)

Subject: Sparring. Right now.

_Dear Little Brother,_

_It appears as though you are unable to go back to your beloved Konoha. It also appears that you are hiding in some undetectable, untraceable place where me and my accompliace can't find you. Therefore, we are at a stalemate. But...that can soon change._

_I propose to have an online battle between the time of 11:00 am to 12:00 pm. I will check my e-mail every day at the designated time, and send you a new invitation until you anwser._

_Yours truly,_

_Uchiha Itachi._

_P.S. What are you wearing?_

"A fight, eh? Let's see..."

Sasuke glanced casually at the small clock near Daara's computer. It read 11:30. Good. He clicked the reply button and began to type.

**Sender: Y0ur m0m. from: (insert e mail here)**

**Subject:RE, Sparring. Right now.**

**Dear big bro,**

**Since you have sent the invitation, following ettiquiettes, I should start, ne?**

**Your mom is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank she didnt have to wear a mask, she just walked up and said "Put the money in the bag!"**

**Sincerely yours, Sasuke.**

Relaxed, the boy leaned back on his chair. This was much more easier than walking up to the person and insulting them. A few minutes later, Sasuke's inbox had one message. Smirking, the boy started to read.

_Sender: U 1ack h8tr3d. from: Subject: RE, RE Sparring. Right now._

_Dear Little Brother,_

_Your mom's so stupid when she hears thunder she thinks someone is making popcorn!_

_Your mom's so fat she sets off car alarms when she runs!_

_Yours truly, Itachi._

_P.S. Tell me what your wearing!_

The boys exchanged emails to each other for a good 30 minutes.

**Your mom's so fat when she steps on a scale it says "I want your weight not your phone number!"**

**P.S. Why should I tell?!?**

_Your Mom's so fat she needs a lifeguard for her cereal bowl!_

_P.S. Because I have a feeling you're wearing my black bell bottom jeans and I want them back!_

_ **Your Mom's so fat she can't jump to conclusions!**_

**P.S. No I'm not! You lent it to Deidera! Again!**

_Your mom's so fat her genes don't fit her!_

_P.S. Oh. Sorry._

Panting, Sasuke struggled to click the send button. He couldn't keep this up anymore...but he couldn't reveal to itachi that. The boy began to realize it was time to use the big one.

Sender: Y0ur m0m. from: (insert e mail here)

**Subject:RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE, Sparring. Right now.**

**Dear big bro,**

**Your mom.**

**Sincerely yours, Sasuke.**

_Sender: U 1ack h8tr3d. from: Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Sparring. Right now._

_Dear Little Brother,_

_Umm...Your face._

_Yours truly, Itachi._

Grinning smugly, Sasuke realized that Itachi was slowly running out. He just needed one good diss to finish him off...

**Sender: Y0ur m0m. from: (insert e mail here)**

**Subject:RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE, Sparring. Right now.**

**Dear big bro,**

**YOUR MOM'S FACE.**

**Sincerely yours, Sasuke.**

The ninja waited for a good 20 minutes before concluding that he had won. He did a little victory dance that consisted of mostly pelvis thrusting. Happily, Sasuke yawned out of tiredness. The boy jumped in his bed that Daara had bought for him and snuggled in, dreaming of roasted siblings.

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MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Review!


	13. Chapter 13

Fear the power...of updation. 

Dedicated to everyone who reviewed, and...yeah. Also dedicated to those of you who are pretty mad at me for not updating...for what? Two months? Heh heh...

But MOSTLY dedicated to MinorKey60, TankBuster91, and demonangel13.

Oh...almost forgot, I need a beta. BADLY. I have writer's block a lot for this story, and then I forget to post it when I'm done...so I need a beta who can remind me to update every three weeks, and can edit my work I guess. Anyone up for the job?

Yay! I got a Naruto poster! And chocolate! Thank you! Merry Christmas/Hanukah/Ramadan/Kwanza!

...I mispelled something, didn't I?

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Sand. Dry, coarse sand. It surronded him, engulfed him, scarred him...just like his kitchen knife...ever so sweetly cuts his wrists, and as the blood ran down his skin, he felt ever so alive...

"Umm Daara? Are we contemplating the meaning of your life again?"

"Huh? Oh you. Sorry Sasuke, I was having a Cloud Strife moment."

"Ah. Anyway, I just came out here to tell you I'm going back to Konoha. That, and I accidently broke your tv, smashed your computer, torched your bed, and drowned your toaster."

"Gotta go, bye!"

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"It's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood, a beautiful day in the neighbourhood...hello poppet, what's this?"

Sasuke interrupted his jog to Konoha to stare at a piece of candy lying on the road. No normally, Sasuke wouldn't have been so interested. But the piece of candy...

WAS TAFFY.

**...WONKA TAFFY.**

"Gimme gimme!" Sasuke pounced on the taffy in a way that would've made any decent cat proud. His hands were about to touch the holy candy...

but then, as if by magic, it MOVED.

"What? Hey, get back here!"

The poor boy tried again and again, but the taffy evaded him, as if pulled by an INVISIBLE WIRE.

...Kind of obvious, ne? Sadly, not to one of Konoha Middle School's top graduates.

"WAH! I JUST WANT THE TAFFY!"

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Wocky smirked as her elaborate plans were coming into motion.

"Hiya Wocky!"

Oh dear. Not her. It was her (evil) sister.

"Hello...Miyako."

"Anyway, I've just got the latest news on Sasuke. Do you know where Itachi is?"

Yes, but I'm sure as heck not telling you. "No, I think he went out to get his hair done. Again."

"HAHAHAHHA! You're funny sis!"

It wasn't a joke, you weotch. "Hn."

"Any idea where he is?"

I live with the guy 23/7, of course I had an idea. "I have absolutely no idea. Good luck though." Not.

"'Kay, thanks! Bye!"

"See you soon." Very, very soon. Because the goth had a plan...

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Meanwhile...

"Aww...I almost got it that time."

Sasuke was being led down a dark dust road, surronded by trees with bark as black as his hair, and the skies were desolate and bleak.

"Almost got it...YES!"

Finally, after 6 hours and 2 minutes, Sasuke Uchiha, using all the wit that was given to him, finally caught the taffy.

Amazing, really.

As he chomped down on his prize, he realized that the end of the candy wrapper was attached to some sort of INVISIBLE WIRE. He followed it, candy still in his mouth. On and on it went, down the winding road...

Until he reached a lonely SHINY fishing rod, forgotten on the road.

"Hmmm...who would leave such a treasure in the open?"

Sasuke unhooked it from his candy, and swung it onto his back.

"Oh well...hey, where am I?"

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Contrary to popular belief, Wocky was NOT in love with Itachi. She merely used him to get what she wanted. Like an audience with Leader- sama, which you could only get if you were either a) an Official Akatsuki member b) related to an official Akatsuki member or c) is friends with an official Akatsuki member. Or an Easy Bake Oven. Leader- sama LURVES Easy Bake Ovens.

It was a good thing Wocky had Itachi. And her Easy Bake Oven. So with her oven in hand, the sidekick walked calmly to Leader- sama's office. She breezed by the sleeping secretary, and calmly knocked on his door. "Uh...Leader- sama?" She had been practicing her casual tone, in order not to intimidate him.

"Eh? Itachi, if that's you, no I didn't borrow Gaara's eyeliner. Just tell 'em you lost it."

"Heh heh..nope, it's me Wocky."

"...Who?"

"Umm, y'know Itachi's FRIEND."

"...He never mentioned you. Hey, if you're pulling my leg, expect my hound dogs to go after you."

Oh no. Not the watch dogs. "W-Wait, I have an Easy Bake Oven!"

"Oooh...bring it in, bring it in!"

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On and on our hero walked down the dust road, solely because of boredom. Yeah, he does a lot of stupid things out of boredom, but it's my fanfic so quit your whining. Soon, the boy found an end to the road, leading to a house. For a visual, think of the mansion the adams Family live in. Or maybe, that single creepy house that's in EVERYONE'S neighbourhood. You know. THAT one.

So what does our favourite ninja do? He knock. Twice, slowly.

Knock.

Knock.

Unfortunately, the door was very weak, so it fell on it's hinges a few moments after the second knock.

"...Hello? Anyone home?"

Silence.

So, being the arrogant son of a witch that he is, Sasuke practically waltzed in.

But not before wiping his sandals on the complimentary "Welcome" mat.

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"So...what brings you here, Wocky?"

"Heh heh...well you see, I was wondering if you could help me with this teensy weeny problem."

"Really? And what's this problem that you speak of?"

"A boy. Named Sasuke. I'm sure you've heard of him."

"Actually, no I've never."

"Uh, really? He's Itachi's little brother."

"Uh uh. Doesn't ring a bell."

"(sigh) He's the one who raised up the cost of an Easy Bake Oven by 17."

"(gasp, then shock turns to anger) What can I do to help?"

"Heh heh...okay, here's the plan."

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The sharingan user happily explored the crumbling house like a pixie. He looked in every crook and cranny, picked up things and threw them behind his back with out a care. That is, unless it perked his interest.

"Toaster...boring.(Toss)"

Nice, a calculator! (Keep)"

"Eww, a three day old Happy Meal. (Toss.)

...But I could always give it to naruto as a present, disguised as ramen. (Picks up.)"

"Icha Icha Paradise: animal edition. (shiver)...(Toss.)"

But just as he was about to leave the house because it had no more items, he saw something EXTRODINARY.

AN I POD NANO.

"Oh My Akito! (Keep!)"

As he slipped the headphones on, he realized it was pink. Oh joy, it was his favourite colour!

But little did he realize it's bright exterior was misleading...

_"Pain, without love, pain can't get enough..."_

_"I! HATE! EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!"_

_"When I was, a young boy, my father, he took me to the city, to see a marching band."_

_"Welcome to my life!"_

_"In a perfect world, I can just pick up the pieces but to you, this means nothing, nothing at all!"_

_"Silent night, for the rest of my life!"_

_"321! It's the final countdown, I want out now!"_

_"Silent night, fot the rest of my life!"_

_"I don't jump at shows. I must be emo!"_

_"I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late!"_

And ever so slowly, Sasuke became his usual emo self.

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"Ah...excellent. So you're just waiting for my approval to put phase B into action?"

"Yes sir."

"Good...well, go. I give you my blessing!"

Heh heh...

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As Sasuke sat himself down on the floor, he felt his eyes began to droop.

"Oh well...not like anyone's here."

He began to doze.

And as the I Pod blared depressing music into his ears, the blazing words "WOCKY'S PLAYLIST" on the back gleamed in the moonlight.

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Ring. Ring.

"Hmm? Moshi moshi. It's me Naruto. Dattebayo."

"Naruto? You're still awake? Well good."

"Sakura-chan! You finallly unfroze! We've been waiting for 3 weeks!"

"I was out that long?"

"Yeah! Anyone, why'd you call?"

"Well, it seems like Sasuke is into Your Mama disses now, right?"

"Uh huh."

"Well, I was hoping you could help me practice, to impress him! Maybe he'll finally fall for me, and wisk me away for a quick wedding!"

"But Sakura...umm, I can't really help you with that..."

"Huh? Why?"

"Heh heh...because I promised I would help Ino with her disses."

"...(Hangs up.)"

"Ano? Sakura- chan?"

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Ring. Ring.

"Moshi moshi, Ino here."

"Ino..."

"Sakura? Heh heh, looks like you finally snapped out of Sasuke's Rejection!"

"...I just came to tell you this; no matter how much training you get, or how many disses you memorize, I WILL GET MY MAN, Ino pig."

**"WHAT!?! YOU DANG FOREHEAD! I BET THAT SASUKE WILL CHOOSE ME!"**

**"WELL PIG, WHY DON'T WE FIGHT FOR HIM?!? AND WHOEVER WINS OBVIOUSLY DESERVES HIM!!!"**

**"YOU'RE ON!"**

**"MEET YOU IN 5 MINUTES, IN FRONT OF NARUTO'S BUILDING!! HE'LL BE JUDGE!"**

**"AS LONG AS SHIKAMARU CAN BE A CO-JUDGE!!!"**

**"FINE!"**

**"FINE!"**

"(Hangs up.)"

"(Hangs up** louder**.)"

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5 minutes later...

"Ino."

"Sakura."

The two girls faced each other. Shikamru and Naruto stood near them, but not to close. Angry ninja girls were scary.

"Ready?"

"More than you, forehead."

"Grr...Your mom's so fat when she died they didn't use a casket, they used a mansion!"

"Oh yeah? Well forehead, Your mom's so fat, she's the reason they invented double doors!"

"Your mom's so fat it took three years for her to get liposuction!"

"Yo mom's so dumb she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer!"

"You mean like your mom?"

"ARGH!"

Ino smirked. "Your mom's so stupid she blinked and got lost!"

"Your mom's so fat she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her for the new world!"

"Heh heh that was actually funny...oops, I meant, your mom's so old that when she was in school, there was no history class!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Your mom's so stupid she sits on the tv and watches couch!"

Then both girls yelled their final battle cry.

"YOUR MOM!"

"YOUR GENERATION!"

Panting, they collasped. Shikamaru turned to his fellow ninja.

"Tie?"

"Tie. I'll carry Sakura to her house, and you take Ino."

"(Groan) This is so troublesome..."

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Review! (Or else...)


	14. Chapter 14

Yay! I'm now officially blank years old! I turned (blank) on Jan 15! Woohoo! Finally a teenager! 

...But now I'm not a kid...(sob.)

Anyway, the next chapter will have a new original character. 20th reviewer gets to be them!

Dedicated to nekoyoukai010.

Sorry, if I write kinda bad, but I've been depressed. You see, I'm very superstious, and I recently read a chain letter, so...yeah.

Oh yeah...I don't hate goths! (But this chapter does.)

Catlover55 gave the surgeon joke. (Yeah, I don't get it either.)

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Some thought she was bad. Others saw her as "a perfect angel." Those who saw her as an angel usually lived in their mother's basement for 19 years before being shipped out to a mental asylum. Whatever she was, Wocky was for sure one thing.

A GOTH.

And as a goth, her mind worked a certain way.

Let's say a glass of water was filled up halfway. I say it's half full. You say it's half empty.

Wocky on the other hand, would dump all the water in the nearest sink, and say it was empty.

...Yeah. Sounds like any of your friends? (coughTAKANARIcough)

Now, because her mind worked this way, as she raced from tree to tree to a certain mansion, different negative outcomes to her palns flashed through her mind.

Sasuke could've lost interest in her Ipod.

Sasuke could've lost her Ipod.

Sasuke could've dunked it in the toilet for fun.

Her Ipod's hypnotic power would lose it's hypnotizing ability.

Sasuke could break her Ipod.

Wait, hold up.

Sasuke could BREAK her Ipod.

Wocky suddenly had a burst of speed.

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**"Pain! Without love, pain! Can't get enough pai-beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! BEEP!"**

"(Yawn) Huh? Oops, I meant, (emo yawn) huh? Where am I?

...And why am I tied up in 67 yards of titanium chains?"

It was early morning in the now dubbed emo mansion. The bleak, desolate sun was faintly shining, the crows and vultures were (attempting) to chirp (it came out like a croak), and poor sleepy Sasuke was tied up in titanium chains. Oh yeah, and his Ipod's batteries ran out.

A wonderful start to the day.

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"Secret agent man! Secret agent man! They've given you a number, and taken away your name!"

As Itachi's ringtone blared on, the owner of said cellphone was busy.

And when I say busy, I mean "wasting his time getting a manicure (courtesy of Deidera), and gossiping, instead of DOING SOMETHING."

"So I was like, no way! Then he said, like yeah! Then I was like no way do I look like Deidera, he's such an ugly blonde!"

"WHAT!?! Itachi you drag queen, did you call me ugly, HN?!"

"Like, YEAH!"

"WELL FINE! MANICURE YOUR OWN NAILS! (storms off)."

"...(Teary) But I don't know how..."

"Secret agent man! Secret agent man! They've given you a number, and taken away your name!"

"Huh? Oh, my phone."

...What a ditz. Anyhoo...

"Oh well. Goodbye mancure, hello ruined nails. (picks up cell.) Hello?"

_"Hello? Is this Itachi?"_

"Yep."

_"It's me, Leader-sama."_

"Leader-sama? (gasps happily) Hey, long time no see. How's that Easy Bake Oven thing going on? Still into them?"

_"Of course! Anyway, apparently, a girl named Wocky thinks she's you're sidekick. That true?"_

"Hmmm...Wocky. (face scrunches in concentration). Nope, never heard of her!"

_"Ah. Well, she requested you to help her with a super secret plan I can't tell you about, except a few details. You in?"_

"Well, as Deidera would say, "Heck yeah Weotches!"

_"...Would he really say that?"_

"No."

_"Oh."_

"..."

_"...So...Itachi, Wocky says to make your way to a certain haunted house. You know, that scary abandoned one where you had your initiation? Be there at 10:00 sharp."_

"Heh heh...good times. Heh heh...orange reindeer."

_"...There were no orange reindeer at your initiation."_

"So?"

_"Then why'd you say- never mind."_

"(Silence.)"

_"(Silence.)"_

"...Are you done?"

_"Yeah, I'm done. Bye."_

"Bye."

_"(Silence.)"_

"(Silence.)"

_"Did you hang up yet Itachi?"_

"Nope."

_"Then hang up."_

"Why don't you?"

_"(Impatiently) Well I'm the Leader. It's only respectful for you to hang up first."_

"Why?"

_"Argh! (Hangs up.)"_

"...Heh heh. Orange reindeer. (hangs up.)"

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**"Beep! Beep! Beep! Beeeeeeeeeeeep..."**

Silence.

It was 9:30 am in the creepy house. Sasuke had been bounded for 3 hours. And when an angsty teenage ninja is left alone for that amount of time with nothing to do, it gives them time to think, about questions they wouldn't normally ponder.

Like why is the sky blue?

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

If you're born twice, do you have to belly buttons?

What does a rainbow taste like?

If white is all the colours of the rainbow, what colour's milk?

Is there a ninja out there that DOESN'T have crazy hair?

And Sasuke discovered the common anwser to all of them was:

Your mom.

"La la la la..."

Sasuke was getting bored. Er.

Time to move on to plan B!

Sasuke decided to try to escape.

For the first time.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000 Poor Naruto.

I mean, he does have a crush on Sakura, but if he had to put up with her for the rest of his life, he might as well gouge his eyes with laundry detergent.

**"WAH!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I TIED WITH INO PIG!!!!! (SOB) WAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

Ugh. There she goes again.

**"(Mad) NARUTO! FETCH ME MY CHARMIN TISSUES!!** (sniff) I ran out."

"Yes Sakura- chan."

More like Sakura- teme.

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Finally, Wocky had arrived at the emo mansion. She walked, menacingly towards the front door. That Uchiha boy BETTER be tied up still. She pushed the door open roughly, and began to make her way towards where she had lay her trap.

"Well well. Hello Sasuke."

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"Well well. Hello Sasuke."

Sasuke glared at the dark figure. Wocky...figures.

"Hello Wocky. How's the waitress thing serving you?"

"Oh, I'm not a waitress anymore. Ever since my (grits teeth) HUMILIATING DEFEAT, I realized I could never face my co workers. EVER AGAIN. Oh yeah, I had a crush on the cook. (glares) No I can never tell him how I feel."

"The cook? (blinks) Oh Daara. Did you know he's gay?"

"WHAT!?! You lie! (points finger accusedly.)"

"Of course not. I've been on his computer. (shiver) You have NO idea what's on there."

"Anyway...(glares.) Why did you do THIS, (montions towards chains) to me?"

"Duh. Revenge."

"Oh, that makes sense. But wait, didn't you already get your revenge?"

"Yeah, well, you can never get enough revenge."

"Ah.

So what are you gonna do to me?"

"Insult you at your weakest of course! Ready?"

"(sigh) Well, fine...you first?"

"Everytime. Your mom's so fat sets off car alarms when she runs!"

"Your mom's so fat, she's the reason they invented double doors."

"Your mom's so dumb she waited all day at a stop sign!"

"Your mom's so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

"C'mon, where's your enthusiasium Sasuke? Yo mama's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince!"

"Fine...yo mama's so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!"

"Has your mom ever considered sueing her brains for non-support?"

"If your mom had another brain, it would be lonely!"

"Well Wocky, your mom's leg is so hairy, you can't tell the difference between it and a cat!"

"oh yeah? Your mom's so fat it looks like her ventromedial hypothalamus has be leisoned!"

Silence.

"I've won, haven't I Wocky?"

"Yes you have."

"...Will you let me go free?"

"Umm, I'll take "Stating the obvious" for 200 please Alex."

"...That was sarcastic, right?"

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Review! And please wish me luck...


	15. Chapter 15

Yay! Happy Orange reindeer day! 

P.S. Happy Mapling, morons!

Anyway, sorry I haven't updated. I've been hiding from FIBRE. And yaoi fanboys.

Oh yeah. When I said I was blank years old, and that I was now a teenager, it was suppose to refer to the fact that different cultures have different times when they consider a child aging to be a teenager. Umm...I didn't mean to give away my age. (sweatdrop.) I'm a baka...

Dedicated to...let's see...(draws names out of a hat) Novelist Pup, neko-youkai-mimi, Silvan Learning Center commercials, and that guy from Sukisho who's a crossdresser.

A shoutout to Lazyzippo, who won last chapter's 20th reviewer contest. When are ya going to email me back so I can put ya in the story?

Finally, I was just reading back and realized how many typos there were in this story. So, if a part don't make no sense, it was probably suppose to be a silence moment.

Yeah...enjoy the chapter!

Once again, I don't hate goths.

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_Last time..._

_"...Will you let me go free?"_

_"Umm, I'll take "Stating the obvious" for 200 please Alex." (horrible joke Wocky, really.)_

_"...That was sarcastic, right?"_

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"Oh my Kage...so boreeeeed..."

Wocky, the little insesitive jerk she was, decided being tied down with 67 yards of titanium chains wasn't enough suffering, she just HAD TO stuff a dirty rag down his mouth, tie him upside down with 68 yards of titanium chains from a rusty chandalier, and place a tub of ravenous blood thirsty sharks directly below him.

And who said goths didn't enjoy a bit of sadism every now and then?

...But, I digress.

"Hey Wocky...ya got anything to eat? I'm hungry..."

"There's a reason why I'm so thin. Do you think I LIKE looking like you could brush your teeth with me?"

"...Yes."

Wocky sighed, and decided to get up from the dusty armchair from where she was guarding her prisoner.

"Where is your fool of a brother? He should be here by now..."

"Brother!?" His eyes narrowed. "The L is he doin' here? (A/N: If this sentence doesn't make sense, try saying it outloud.)

Wocky smirked. "I want you to suffer in the worst way possible; SIBLING RIVALRY."

"..." Sasuke just stared. "Y'know Wocky, there are things worse in this world than sibling rivalry. Like famine, death, sickness,-"

"Ah, SHHHH!"

"Don't shh me."

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Meanwhile, Itachi was trying to make his way to the mansion. Note, TRYING. He forgot where he had his initiation, so he was trying to get directions. Unfortunately, running into walls headfirst wasn't the best approach.

"Owww..."

Itachi sighed. If only he wasn't blind, he could find the mansion in a heartbeat. Make that two heartbeats. Maybe three. Maximum four. Five's not bad...

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Sasuke let out a lazy sigh. "Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bore-"

"Shut up."

"Shut up."

"What the heck? I wasn't talki-"

"Shut up."

"But I wasn't ta-"

"Shut up."

"Fine!"

"...Shut up."

"I hate you..."

"Shut up."

"Do you like hair?"

"Of course! Oh yeah...shut up."

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Heh...you must be wondering what happened to the Konohanian citizens. 13 days later, the immense search team called it quits. It just wasn't worth it, you know? Why pay 2342 dollars and 66 cents to buy an emo bishie when you can just buy a plastic action figure of him for 30.00 and 3 cents? Raine and Ai's shop made a BUNDLE of money that year...(Btw, Ai was revived shortly after Miyako "mysteriously dissappeared." She went back to her evil otaku self.)

The two girls were now living in style. Their stuffy store was now twice as big as Wal Mart, their merchandise was made of the finest quality, and they accquired a liscence to sell yaoi for only 343433845758787231.55 pesos. Oh yeah. Life was good. Heck, they were richer than the Uchihas. Speaking of the Uchihas...

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Desprate, Itachi resorted to the one thing he never wanted to do. HE WENT TO MCRONALDS FOR DIRECTONS.

"Welcome to McRonalds, how may I help you?"

"Hi, I was wondering if I could get directions to a spooky, haunted house. Oh yeah, and fat in a jug. (1)"

"It's just down the road. And that'll be 15.56."

"But I thought fat in a jug cost 5 bucks."

"(scoff)You're blind, what do you know?"

"Wait..." Itachi held back a gasp. "I only know one person who'd sink that low. Nekole?"

Even though Itachi couldn't see it, the orange-haired boy across the counter grinned.

"Glad you remember me. By the way, die."

Itachi threw his head back and let out a hearty laugh. "Oh gawd..." The ninja wiped tears from his eyes. "Never gets old. By the way," he turned to the reader. Yeah, YOU. "This is an inside joke. You'll never get it, got it memorized?" Itachi did the finger-to-forehead move, patented by Axel.

"So," Nekole put his elbow on the counter, and his palm on his chin, lazily. "How's it going? Still in Akatsuki?"

The sharingan user rolled his eyes. "Did my billowing black robe of red clouds give it away?"

Nekole smirked. "I'll take that as a yes."

"And I'll take your stupidity as a "Yes, I'm still part of the ANBU."

Nekole mock-weeped. "Always the bad boy, aren't you?" he declared, the back of his hand pressed theatricially against his forehead.

"Always the drama queen, aren't you?"

"Ah touche."

Itachi poker-face glared at his old BFF. "Oh no you just didn't take that from Naruto the Abridged Series's Iruka."

"(Sweatdrop) Heh..."

"Anyhoo, I've got to be going. Some weird girl's waiting for me with my foolish brother in a haunted house."

"Oh gawsh...Orochimaru kidnapped Sasuke again?"

"Nope, it's a goth this time."

Nekole took a pause. A let's-calm-ourselves-down-here-before-we-go-kung-fu-on-some-innocent-bystander pause.

"Itachi...you do realize that you're doomed?"

"Eh?" The red-eyed Uchiha coked his head. "How?"

" Eleven words. Emo Plus Goth Equals UNSTOPPABLE DOOM FOR US ALL!!!!"

"(Counts on his fingers) That was nine."

"Did you count "eight words" as two?"

"...Oh."

"Personally," Nekole leaned towards Itachi as if to whisper in his ear. "I don't think you stand a chance."

"Well what am I suppose to do? Train?"

"Ummm, let me think, YES!" The burger-flipping ANBU rolled his eyes. Abruptly Nekole's eye roll turned into orbs of realization.

"Say Itachi...I've got an idea! Why don't I train you! I'm obviously better, stronger, and faster because of my m3d b3rg3r f1pp1ng ski11z. I can teach you how to battle her! Now tell me, what's her fighting skill?"

"...Your mom."

Nekole narrowed his eyes. "...Oh no you didn't."

"No, not that!" Itachi waved his arms frantically in the air. "That's her style."

"...Oh."

"Oh is right. And she's good."

"Well," Nekole smiled his strangely cat-like grin. (Which was strangely ironic, seeing that he was allergic to cats. And that in turn was ironic because his ANBU mask was, you guessed it, a cat.)

"We'd better get started."

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"I'm not so sure this is a good idea." Itachi looked around nervously. But it was useless, because he was blind. And even if he wasn't, Nekole had blindfolded him. (It looks cool, was the ANBU'S explanation.)

"Relax." Nekole tied on his Leaf village forehead protector. (It wasn't on when he was at work because it sooo didn't match with his uniform.)

The dynamic duo were in Nekole's living room, a were about to start their training.

"So Nekole...how are we gonna train?"

Nekole smiled, in his easygoing way. "No worries pal. Now," His eyes hardened. "Your mom's so fat, when she put on a t shirt with an x on it, a helicopter landed on it!"

"W-what?"

"Too slow!" Nekole heaved the bucket of icy cold water onto his poor victim.

"C-COLD!!!!"

"Quick! If I had a dog as ugly as your mom, I would shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards!"

Your mom is as empty as my wallet after you've been on a shopping spree! And that's saying something!"

Nekole winced. "Ouch. That was low."

"Not as low as your mom's IQ points."

Nekole grinned. "You're good!"

"Yeah well, what can I say?"

Nekole continued. "But not good enough!

Your mom's so old, she had a dinosaur as a pet when she was a kid!

Your mom's so fat, when she tripped in Ohio, Tokyo had an aftershock!

Yo momma's so ugly they push her face into dough to make cookies!

Yo mom's so fat, when she ordered a water bed, they put a blanket over the Atlantic ocean!

Your mother is so fat, every time she tries to get out of bed, she rocks herself back to sleep!"

Itachi was breathing heavily at this point. He glared at his attacker, who hadn't even broke into a sweat. He wiped sweat from his brow, caught his breath, and fainted, straight into Nekole's arms.

"Well well Weasel," Nekole smiled brightly at the unconscious Akatsuki member. "Looks like we'll be spending a lot of time together. We've got our work cut out for us..."

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(1) fat in a jug taken from the 7 sins flash game. Hillarious ending to the game, btw.

...Review?


	16. Chapter 16

Sowwy for the slow update...mah bad. :( 

In May (or April) I aqquired the Sims Deluxe Edition. And well...I'm like Matt from Deathnote. Games PWN for me. So anyway, I spend 2ish months playing this game, updating stories that already had their chapters done. But, some stuff happened, so I had to rewrite this chapter again.

My mom got me pwnsome stuff from her vacation. (Including Naruto and Sasuke action figures. Muhahahahaha...)

Dedicated to all the apples in the world, Novelist Pup, Lazyzippo, Panda-Chan21, and Mickey Mouse.

Iron pants and birth certificate joke are from Shukoru. Thanks!

I hope you enjoy!

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"Naruto!!!! the toilet's clogged!!!! (sob) I tried flushing my crystalized tears..."

"...Sakura-chan, why were your tears crystalized in the first place?"

"Sh-Shut up! Wahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Uwah!!!!! Sasuke-kun!!!!! Sassy-poo!!!! I want my Sassy-poo!!!!"

" (sigh) Sakura-chan, we all miss Sasuke-teme, but that doesn't mean we have to give him ridiculously embarassing names to combat our depression."

"...Naruto?"

"Yes?"

"...You love me, right?"

"Ummm...that's debatable."

"...Well, I'll give you a kiss if you find Sassy-poo and bring him back! Oh yeah, and 300 dollars."

"300 dollars?! Sweet! I'm on my way!" With that, the blonde zoomed out of the Haruno household, and on to the street.

"Wait Naruto! The toilet's still clogged..."

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After walking in a random direction for no reason whatsoever, Naruto realized he didn't have the faintest idea where to start looking for Sasuke.

"Hmmmm...now if I was Sasuke, where would I emo-ly scamper off too?"

The Village of the Mist? Nah, too Misty, Sasuke wouldn't be able to see a thing.

The Village of the Sound? Too loud, besides Orochimaru gives Sasuke the heebie jeebies.

The Village of Fanfiction? **OH GAWD NO!!! THE FANS AND THEIR EFFIN' YAOI!!!!** (faints from shock.)

The Village of the Sand?

...Yep, Sasuke would go there.

And so, (after having a seven course lunch, all courses being ramen,) Naruto set off towards the Village of the Sand. However, he did not notice the pair of gleaming eyes, watching him from the shadows...

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"Bom chicka WAH WAH!!!!"

"...Excuse me Nekole?"

The ANBU grinned. "Randomness is a key weapon in your arsenal, Weasel-kun."

"...Weasel?! Oh that's it, you're sooooo going down!"

"Wait a sec, let's not get too hyped up! You still haven't healed fully from your little fainting."

"Grrrr..."

"Anyway, we should try some quiet meditation in order to hone your inner diss machine."

"...Where do you come up with this stuff?"

"Bom chicka WAH WAH!!!"

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"Any moment now, Itachi will BURST through the front door."

"...Are you sure you we're talking about the same guy, Wocky?"

"Of course!"

"...Has it occured to you, at ANY TIME AT ALL, that Itachi might have a little trouble even opening the front door, let alone getting here?"

"Why? Because he's blind?"

"(Gasp) He's blind?! When?! HOW?! WHYYYYY?!?!?!?!?! WHAT A CRUEL WORLD!!!!!!!"

"I thought you hated your brother."

"I do. (sniff) But his eyes were so kewl!!"

"...Uchihas are weird."

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"Come on, vamanos! Everybody let's go! Come on let's get to it! I know that we can do it!"

_"...Naru-chan?"_

"Yes, voice in my head called Kyuubi?"

_"How many episodes of Dora The Explorer did you see at Sakura's?"_

"345! Man, she really loves Dora!"

_"Umm..."_

"I'm not acting this way on my own free will, y'know!"

_"Okay...hey look, we're here!"_

"(gasp) At candy mountain?!"

_"Nooooo...we're at Suna."_

"Yipee! we did it! We did it! We did it! Hoora-"

_"Can it."_

"Yessir. Hey...who's that over there? They're standing so...emo-ly...GASPAGE! Maybe it's Sasuke! (runs towards the stranger.)"

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Sand. Dry, coarse sand. It surronded him, engulfed him, scarred him...just like his kitchen knife...ever so sweetly cuts his wrists, and as the blood ran down his skin, he felt so alive...

"Hey Sasuke!! I've been looking all over for you!"

"Sasuke?" Daara turned around. "I'm not Sasuke."

"Really? Awww...you're almost as emo as him."

"Ex-squeeze me? Almost? How dare you!"

_"Oh boy."_ sighed Kyuubi._ "The classic emo mood swing. His technique is different from Sasuke's though."_

"Technique?" Naruto asked the kitsune.

_"Yeah. Sasuke uses a girly mocking approach, while this guy takes the "holier than thou, how dare you." However, you can hear the girly attitude a bit."_

"LOL!"

"(Gasp) Did you just laugh at me?" demanded Daara, his eyes flashing dangerously.

The blonde gulped. He didn't realized he laughed outloud.

_"Duh you laughed out loud. You LOL'd."_

"Can it Kyuubi."

_"Yessir."_

Naruto laughed nervously. "Listen Daara, I wasn't laughing at you, really! I was laughing WITH you!"

Daara's green eyes narrowed. "Spare me the lies." He snarled before KOing the poor ninja.

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"Ugh...where am I?" Naruto woke up uneasily in a darkened room, with a bad feeling in his stomach. He stood up. Right after, he quickly fell down. "My legs have turned to jelly or something! What's going on?!"

"I'll tell you what's going on. My revenge!" Daara said. Naruto spun around to look at his captor. "No hard feelings...but because you are a friend of Sasuke, I must take my revenge on you!"

"Omg, that sounded so corny."

"Yeah, well...YOUR MOM."

"Gasp! You are soo going down! Your mom's so fat, when she talks to herself it's a long distance call!"

"Your mom is so fat she irons her pants on the driveway!"

"Your mom is so old her birth certificate says expired!"

"Yo mom's so dumb it takes her an hour and a half to make minute rice!"

"Well, it takes YOUR mom 2 hours, so don't go insultin'."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

_"Hey Naruto."_

"What is it Kyuubi?"

_"Say this. It'll knock him out for sure. (says something inaudible.)"_

"Woah. Are you sure?"

_"Positive."_

"Okay..." Naruto glared at the emo. "Hey whiner!"

"Grrr...what?!"

"Your mom is rated E...for EVERYONE."

Daara staggered back. He never expected that...his eyes rolled to the back of his head and promptly fainted.

"...Good riddance."

_"By the way, your welcome, you ingrateful ingrate."_

"Oh, yeah. Thanks Fox-sama. Now where would Sasuke b-omph!"

Suddenly Naruto was on his back again, unconscious. Miyako grinned as she put away her giant hammer. "Wocky's gonna be so proud of me once I bring her the Nine Tails kid!"

With that, the poor ramen freak who had been through so much pain and AGONY in his miniscule but strangely meaningful life was dragged all the way from Suna towards one final destination that most souls dreaded.

The mansion of doom.

...That was cornier that your mom's teeth! Zomg! I can't believe you're still reading this!

Anyway.

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_"'Cuz i ain't no Hollaback gurl! I ain't no Hollaback gurl!"_

"(Grins) Itachi you better anwser that!"

"Y-you sadistic son of a gun! You know perfectly well that if I anwser the phon-"

"(Grin gets wider) Just do it Weasel-kun."

"Grr...(picks up phone.) ...Hello?"

_"Itachi! Where da puck are you?! I'm still waiting here!"_

"(sigh) I'm your Mexican girlfriend."

_"...What the L?!"_

"I eat babies in my sleep."

_"...Is this Itachi I'm talking to?"_

"I hear voices in my butt. They whisper so softly that all can hear is wind."

_"WTF's wrong with you?!"_

"I idolize men who have bullets in their armpits."

_"..."_

"What up gangsta?"

_"...You do know I'm Wocky, right? And not one of your sick buddies who enjoy this talk?_"

"Shun the non-believer! Shuuuuuunnn..."

_"...Are you high Itachi?"_

"No. I'm gay for lobsters. (hangs up.)"

_"...(hangs up.)"_

"...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!"

"Argh! are you happy now Nekole?! I did your dumb dare! Now gimme back my Naru plushie!"

_My milkshake bring all the boys to the yard, and their life, it's bettah than yours..."_

"Hold up booty-chan, gotta take this call."

"...Booty-chan?!"

Nekole ignored him as he chatted amicably with the person on his cell. Every so often he would say _"Really? No..."_ or _"Wow!"_ or _"Yes, yes, no, maybe, yes, no, no, and stop asking questions!"_ He finally hanged up a good 20 minutes later.

"So? What was that about?"

"Just a journalist. We were friends until she told me she had a huge crush on Kankuro, and then I totally did a hissy fit because I saw him first. We're not friends anymore but we keep in touch, solely for gossip."

"What kind of gossip did you get now then?"

"You'd never believe it but Naruto was captured by Wocky's sister, and they're planning on extracting the Nine Tails Fox from him!"

"WHAT?! I was totally gonna OWN that kitsune! No way I'm gonna let this happen! Where are they keeping him?"

"Well,they're sending him to the same mansion your brother's in. He's probably there by now though."

"I'm leaving." with that, Itachi poofed outta there.

"...I still have your Naru plushie!" Nekole sighed. "Oh well. Time to meet up with that nosy journalist. Quid pro quo..."

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Next time: find out more about the mysterious journalist! And what's this? Itachi and Sasuke team up? Woah!

Next one'll be longa, fo' shure. R and R!


	17. Chapter 17

WOOT, Internet's back up! Case you didn't know, it was cut near the end of summer. So I honour you with a chaptah! 

Disclaimer: La di DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA DA! (To be hummed to the same tune as the Simpsons theme song. Try it, it's fun!)

Dedicated to Novelist Pup, ficstabber, (Be more creative next time you diss, 'cause those lines were as old as YOUR MOM. Howev, it did make me laugh, so props for the flame.) and Authoress Luna who came up with the whole reverse psychology deal.

This chapter's pretty late...gomen! It was started in October, but then I started other projects...in order to finish it though, I had to skip my once-a-week-post rule twice, so be happy:)

SHAMELESS ADVERTISING: youtube(.)com/profile?userSparklyChakram (Yaoi Alert! Btw, take out the brackets on the period, m'kay?)

* * *

Itachi wasn't always evil. 

When he was small, he used to be as loving and caring as any little kid. He would do all his chores, volunteered at the animal shelter, and never, EVER, spoke back. That is...until he discovered evil.

And DANG was it fun.

Chores? More like SASUKE'S chores. He had WAY more thangs to do.

Animal Shelter? Half the animals were there because he sent their owners into comas, one-fourth because he had kicked/throttled them, and another one-fourth because he had skinned half their body to make a fur coat.

As for speaking back?

"Itachi, what are you going to do with your life?"

"I'M GONNA GET WHAT I WANT! YOU WETCH! (Goes shoe shopping.)"

"...Mom! The babysitter yelled at me!"

And so it really wasn't a surprise to anyone when Itachi came home one day and began to massacre them.

But that's not the point of the story right now.

The point is ITACHI IS PURE EVIL. And he has been for a LONG TIME.

...Just thought you should know. (That, and the fact I was pulling chapter openings out of my bum, and this one sounded the best.)

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"Woaaah...did I black out again?"

_"Yes you silly Narutard. Now look around."_

"Omg!! Is this..."

_"Uh huh."_

"We're in a girl's bedroom! Undie raid!"

_"I was trying to get you to notice that we're in the same room as an unconscious Sasuke, but that's cool too."_

Checking all the drawers, Naruto made a startling discovery.

"Wow...this girl must be a real tomboy 'cause I've found nothing but pink briefs and magenta boxers."

"It's weird that there's no bras. Check over there Naruto."

"Okie dokie Kyuubi!"

_"Naruto? I didn't say that."_

**"OMG A GHOST! I'M ALLERGIC!"** He ran around in circles, screaming frantically until running head-on with a wall.

"Wow...and I thought he couldn't get any stupider." Sasuke rubbed his eyes and stood up. "Hmmm...what happened that made me end up in this room? Time for a flashback."

F L A S H B A C K!

_"Waka waka waka waka waka waka waka wak-"_

_"Sasuke I will physically harm you if you keep that up."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because I said so."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because."_

_"Why?"_

_"Shut it."_

_"Why?"_

_"Bec-"_

_"Why?"_

_"Let me fini-"_

_"Why?"_

_"You effin' brat!" Wocky tackled the boy to the ground and procceded to pummel- a log?_

_"Grr! Where are you?"_

_"Waka waka waka!" Sasuke jumped her from behind._

_"Holy Zit!"_

_The two kunai-clashed, shrukien-smashed, and button-mashed at DDR before decided to give up._

_"Wh-what were we arguing about again?"_

_"I don't know...but maybe..."_

_"What Sasuke?"_

_"(Insert devilish grin here.)WAKA WAKA WAKA WAK-(INSERT OWNAGE HERE.)"_

_E N D F L A S H B A C K_

"Oh, that's why."

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Remember that opening in the beginning? The whole "Evil! Itachi" thing? Well, it looks like we're just in time to see a demonstration.

"GIVE ME YOUR MONEY OR I'LL SMOKE FLAMES OUT YOUR BUM! (1)"

"...Golly, how are you gonna do that?"

"Do you really wanna know?"

"Why yes, my good man!"

"...The normal response is no, but OK!"

_One Smoking Flames Outta Bum Session Later..._

"So, that satisfies your curiosity? Oh wait, you can't because you're incinerated! Serves you right. Wait...you didn't even give me directions! You arse."

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"Should I just leave him here...or should I leave him here AND draw on his face? On one hand I have no sharpies...but on the other I DO have a kunai...kukukuku..."

(SCENE RATED K for KUNAI)

"There, it's done! Man, I'm good. I'm like a blood-thirsty Jigglypuff!" Pleased with his work, Sasuke admired his doodles. Sure they looked like amateur work, but he could always get more practice. Naruto, after all, was a fast healer. That aside, it was now time for some good ol' exploring.

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Ready for another demo?

"Hiya mister! would you donate to the Eyebrowless Squirrels of America?"

"Where the senbon is America?"

"It's on the planet Earth silly!"

"Where the senbon is Earth?"

"...Just give me your money."

"Only if you give me directions to a creepy mansion."

"The only mansion round here is down the yellow brick road, my good sir!"

"What is up with all you people here talking like that?!"

"Whatever is the matter, young master?"

"Y-YOU...YOU...ARGGH!!!!"

_One Smoking Flames Outta Bum Session Later..._

"Now that that's done...I'm off to see Kyuubi! The Wonderful Kyuubi of OZ-err, KONOHA!" The rogue nin happily skipped his way towards the mansion.

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Sasuke had been upstairs, downstairs, and in the lady's chamber.

He even met an old man who wouldn't say his prayers, so he took him by his left leg and threw him down the stairs.

Watching the elderly man holler in pain just made him even bored-er than bored. It seemed like the hallways were endless, it was nigh impossible to find his way back out, and to top it off, Wocky disappeared. There goes his entertainment. And his sanity.

"What to do, what to do..." wondered the raven-haired bishie.

"What to do, what to do..." echoed a voice. Spooked, Sasuke looked around. It sounded like an echo, but yet the tone was mocking. That, and it seemed to come from behind the closed door behind him.

"What to do, what to do..." the voice continued. Intrigued, our favourite ninja placed his ear on the door.

"...I KNOW!" the voice suddenly exclaimed. Startled, Sasuke accidentally pushed on the door, revealing himself. Eyes wide, Sasuke discovered that the talker was in fact...

...a rather normal looking girl. By our standards at least. Keep in mind, in the world of ninjas, crazy hairstyles, revealing clothes, supernatural powers, and murderous tendencies are normal occurances. So to Sasuke, she was quite a freak.

"Ewww...your hair...it's not multi-coloured! And...it's not defying gravity! WTF is up that?! And you dress like an eskimo!"

Unfazed, the girl smiled at the ninja. "Good morning Sasuke! Is Naruto up too? If so, I've got a GAZILLION questions for you. _What's your blood type? Who does your hair? Do you know what yaoi is? How many dozens are in a gagillion? Have you ever been EGG'D? What colours match your eyebrows, but not your eyelashes? Ever been in a chatroom? How many movies you've seen that mention unicorns? Tried doing alchemy? Slept with a spoon in your mouth? Something else in your mouth? Spun a kunai on your pinky finger? Cheated in a test? Bought something then returned it? Then stole it? Then lit it on fire to sacrifice to the Ninja God in order to insure a bountiful harvest? Lost to Tsunade, 'cause boy you would SUCK if you did...Made out with a monkey? A flamingo? The colour purple? Gone bankrupt? Mistyped/written the word "mistake"? Had a Tic Tac? What came first, the Naruberry or the Naruto? Do you have a-_" She paused, noticing that the teen had fallen asleep out of boredom.

"What a rude boy, he must've prattled himself to sleep, like all typical teens...totally unlike my darling Kankuro!" prattled the girl known as Jewel to some, Nosy Weotch Who Won't Keep Her Mouth Shut, to others. "Now to get Naru-chan and get my scoop!"

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_"'Cause it's 0 to 60 and 3.5, baby you got the keys- SHUT UP AND DRIVE!"_ merrily sung the Akatsuki member Itachi, his blind eyes sparkling as he talked to himself while he ran towards his destination.

"I'm TOTTALLY more hawt that Rihanna. She needs an umbrella, but I got my umbrella hat, which pwns! It's totally awesome that I got it for free from Akatsuki, on EBay it's like 50 rupees and a coupla pesos...whoop dee do, I'm here!" Grinning, the Uchiha prodigy, using his awesome skillz of deduction.

He walked in straight, confident that the door was wide open.

**BANG.**

It wasn't.

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As all good ninjas must learn to do, Sasuke had perfected the ability to be totally un-freaked out when waking up with no idea what the heck had happened. So when he regained conscious with only the memory of ugly hair, Sasuke was pretty stoic. The only thing he wondered was whether or not he had drooled on his shirt when he was sleeping.

Which he did.

"Eww...it's all sticky...good thing no one's here, so I'm gonna take off my wet shirt in slo-mo!"

If any one was there they would've died of nosebleed overdose.

"Now that that's done...time to rob Naruto of his fugly orange sweater."

And so, begun the epic quest to find Naruto, that will probably last for two whole arcs, 4 fillers, 14-ish OC ninjas, and a major character death.

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78 tries later, Itachi had found the door.

Unfortunately it was locked, and he was too burned out to bust it down.

So he climbed in through the window.

_BANG._

Correction, attempted to climb in through the window.

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After looking in almost 56 rooms, 31 cupboards, 17 closets, 999 fireplaces, and 1 refrigerator (nothing but Pepto Bismo in there), our hero concluded that he was lost.

There appeared to be no door leading out of this house and all the windows showed no indication of there being an outside, seeing as how they were all painted over. What's worse was that it was getting colder, and Sasuke was still half-naked because his drooled-on shirt was still dripping with spit.

No answer for his dillemma could be found for poor Sassy-chan.

So as all intelligent people do, he decided to sleep on it.

DREAM TIME! DREAM TIME! DREAM TIME!

_Sassy-chan was sitting in front of a campfire, roasting 'TachiMellows. Beside him was a Toblerone-shaped package, wrapped in Uchiha fan-covered wrapping paper. Hungry, he opened it._

_"Wow...it's a cell phone...whoever wrapped this got skillz." Still hungry though, Sassy stabbed the cell with a stick, and proceeded to roast it. "Yum...it smells of illegal ringtones..."_

_Once it was cooked, Sassy proceeded to munch the charred piece of plastic. He sat there for a while, eating his deformed cell phone._

_"I wonder if I can get high by eating this...probably not, I mean who heard of getting high in your dreams? Tch."_

_A hippo floated by. Sassy swatted it with his tentacle. It turned into a shuriken and whizzed towards a giant Christmas tree behind him. The tree gobbled the shuriken up, then spat out Itachi. Itachi used Mangekyo Sharingan and proceeded to make out with himself. The sounds disturbed Sasuke so much that he fainted. Yeah that's right, you can faint in your dreams! My pwnsome typing skillz make it so. So HA. In your dumbstruck face._

MEANWHILE.

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Itachi couldn't take it anymore. There had to be a way into the mansion. If only he had his eyesight, he would've been there in a heartbeat. Hmmm...hold the phone...he still had Mangekyo Sharingan, right? What if he used it on himself and pretended he had eyes? Eh, worth a shot.

"Mangekyo Sharingan!...It worked! Woot!" Itachi pelvis-thrusted victoriously and then surveyed his surroundings.

He was in Konoha.

Inside Sakura's house. (Who currently was shoe shopping with Neji.)

On top of her t.v.

"...I got really lost, didn't I?"

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The first thing he saw when he woke was Jewel. He immediately began to panic.

"Omg, she's so disfigured! Get away from me you mutant!"

"Hello NaruNaru! Mind me asking if-"

"Stfu you ugly brunette! Oh my Gourd, you're uglier than Kankuro!"

"What. Did. You. say. About. My. Kankuro?"

"I suggested he was ugly, but you were uglier...why?"

Usually when someone in the world of ninjas insult you, you kill them. However, Jewel was an exception. As the lovechild of a Jewish Jamaican Toaster-scented Canadian ninja and a gay manly fuzzy pineapple-flavoured eel, she had her many quirks she had grown up with. Like the fact she has an attraction to Kankuro solely based on the way he brushed his teeth. That aside, never EVAH insult Kankuro's looks in front of her. Because when it comes to insulting YOUR MOM, she 0wns.

"Oh sweet Naru-chan..."

"Yes?"

"Yo momma's so fat, when she tripped in Ohio, Tokyo had an aftershock!"

"...What?"

"She so fat, when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time! She's so fat, when she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube it turned into a Gameboy!"

"...(Too OWN'D for words.)"

"...Yo momma's fat."

"(Faints.)"

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After his dabbling in the art of getting high while sleeping, Sasuke woke up.

"My shirt's dry...hn." Suspicious it was booby-trapped, Sasuke shook it vigorously. Seems like it was ok...he put it on.

"Gotta look for dobe now...he's probably unconscious again...he's such a damsel, tch. don't know why I put up with him."

"Maybe it's because opposites attract."

"That was so gay."

"I kno-"

"Hold the phone, WTF are you doing here, Itachi?! You were on top of Sakura's T.V. a paragraph or so ago!"

"Oh, I fell off the TV and into a plot hole."

"...Wow, this chapter was written on crack, wasn't it?"

"Actually, the author's high on SasuNaruItaKisazabuHakuGaaIruKakaGaiKanInoShikaChoPeiTobiDeiSasoKyuSakuTenNejiRockLeeOroJirTsuKabu overload."

"Let's go look for Naruto."

"Little bro?"

"...Huh? Oh sorry, just trying to imagine that. Wow, so I'm on top of all those people?"

"Yep, with nerdy Kabuto on the bottom."

"That's just wrong."

"We have a sick, sick authoress. We'll just have to deal with it."

"I guess...to da Narumobile!"

"...Foolish little brother, did you happen to get high sometime before now?"

"...Maybe. You'll never know. So ha."

Then everything exploded.

Nah, just kidding. That didn't happen.

...Yet.

"But first, a costume change big brotha!"

"I call the leather pants!"

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Jewel took the time after Naruto fainted out of OWN'DNESS to reflect on the meaning of her existence. According to the official Mary Sue Handbook, Original Characters were like Nobodies from Kingdom Hearts. Everyone hated them, yet they all had insane skillz. OCs were generally amazingly good looking, with 3545543546 jutsus under their belt, and an emo past that's worse than Silent Hill, The Hills Have eyes, and Resident Evil combined and multiplied tenfold. Then why did everyone hate her? Just as she was about to reach an epiphany-

"HANDS UP BUSTA!" The dynamic duo burst in, their bootylicious brand new looks rockin' the place.

"Sasuke...and Itachi?! Wtf are you doing wearing afros?" questioned an indifferent Jewel.

"I'm not Sasuke, I'm Sassy Cleopatra, and I'm a whole LOTTA woman! Err, man." retorted a sassy Sassy.

"Yeah," added his brother. "And I'm 'Tachi Weasel! My milkshake brings all the ANBUs to the yard, and their genjutsu, it's better than yours..."

"Tch, you guys are LAME." Jewel muttered. She was still mad about what Naruto said about her beloved.

"Who do you think you are?!" screeched a dramatic Sassy. "I. Am. PISS'D."

The two fashionistas huddled for a quick re-cap of their game plan, then commenced on the disses.

"Hey Jewel! You mom's hawt!" yelled 'Tachi Weasel, while Sassy cat-called.

"WTF?!" Jewel's eye twitched. "I think you guys don't get the whole "Your mom" thing..." the two smirked, and in a blink, Sassy was whispering in her ear.

"Is your mom from Tennessee? Because she's the only ten I see!"

Jewel screamed in dismay, and tripped on 'Tachi's leg. Just as she was about to fall, Itachi caught her and breathed his garlic breath on her. "My love for your mom is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in!"

"EWW! what is wrong with you two!" the brunette smacked the two of them away, and began shooting insults out like rapid-fire.

"Your mom's so stupid, noticed a sign reading 'Wet Floor'...so she just did! She's so dumb she makes Peter Griffin look like a Nobel Prize winner! Heck, she even invented a silent car alarm!"

The brothers stopped. "Momma did invent a silent car alarm." mused Sassy.

"Well yeah, but only because instead of making noise it throws shuriken. Much better invention, if you ask me."

"Yep. ANYWAY," Sassy formed a 5435435 hand sign seal. "Summoning! Mr. Lovey-dovey-coochie-coo-goo-goo-ga-ga-sweetypie-kins!"

And lo and behold, our favourite stuffed animal poofed out of Sassy's mind, and into reality!

'Tachi gasped. "Mr. Lovey-dovey-coochie-coo-goo-goo-ga-ga-sweetypie-kins? I used to daydream about you before I went loco and MASSACR'D my family."

Sassy glared at his sibling. "I almost forgot about that. Thanks, now I gotta go emo again and join some power-hungry she-male who'll end up trying to use my body. I'm so grateful."

"Sowwy, man."

"Whatev. Now Mr. Lovey-dovey-coochie-coo-goo-goo-ga-ga-sweetypie-kins, do your thang!" Sassy's imagined friend grinned, took a deep breath of chakra, and spat out:

"SPITsengan!" The humungous spitball with the words "Hawt Momma" branded on it, flew like lightning towards Jewel, who was too horrified too move.

SPLAT.

The girl fell with a sickening thud. The two teenagers grinned at each other and high-fived.

"Reverse-psychology owns, ne 'Tachi?"

"Fo' shizzle, mah brizzle."

"Argh..." moaned a fresh-outta-fainting-spell Naruto. "What did I miss?"

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Reviewzzle, nowzzle.

(1) Quote from Snoop Dogg. Changed it though, 'cause I'm just a kid! (and life is a nightmare, I'm just a ki- ahem.)

Didja notice I use the word BANG a lot in this fic? Find out what happens because of it next chapppie!


	18. Chapter 18

-

A/N: The first time I wrote this chapter, I deleted it. Why? 'Cause it sucked as hard as a major character's death. (And that sucks a LOT.) Then the second time I wrote this chapter, my computer deleted it. It was broken for two months, so that's why I was gone for so long…I'll try hard to make this chapter at least half as good as the one I wrote before…cuz dang, it was good! (Sob)

Oh yeah, and the reason for the word bang is because…it's an awesome sound effect! Rotflmao, did you actually think it was a plot device?! Silly, silly reader.

For some reason…whenever I try to hire a beta, FFnet gets an error…so yeah. Please tell me if there's any mistakes/plot holes. Otherwise, enjoy!

-

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Sasuke glared.

Itachi glared back.

Sasuke glared, while scratching his nose irritably.

Itachi smirked, and continued glaring.

Sasuke glared, as he took out a glinting kunai.

Itachi casually shifted to one side, his glare formidable as ever.

Sasuke threw said glinting kunai dangerously close to Itachi.

Itachi blew a raspberry and proceeded with his glaring.

Sasuke, ever persistent, took out another kunai and threw it directly at Itachi's forehead, glaring sharply.

Itachi didn't even bother deflecting, allowing his glare to stop the kunai dead in its tracks.

As a final resort, Sasuke took a deep breath, and then focused his patented Uchiha DeathGlare on his brother.

The older sibling just smirked as he reminded his brother dearest who was eldest, with his uber-awesome Mangekyo Uchiha DeathGlare.

"Pwned." he murmured softly.

Naruto sighed. "For the love of Minato…"

The trio were currently hankered down in a random room in the very gothy mansion.

For those of you who are almost as confused as I am, here a quick run-down of what's happened so far:

_Sasuke got bored, watched TV, discovered Yo Momma disses, dissed Sakura, dissed Kakashi, dissed Rock Lee, dissed Itachi (which caused him to go blind), dissed Gaara, got dissed back by Itachi and Wocky, got "saved" by two fangirls named Raine and Ai,Ventured into Sassyland, went on a LOTR-esque journey for Aspirin, got shaken back to reality, was (and still is) hunted by the entire village of Konoha, dissed Choji's mother's father-in-law's brother's twice-removed uncle's cousin's daughter's great-great-great-grandson's daughters, ran away to Suna, hid out at Daara's (now destroyed) pad, beat Itachi in an e-mail-off, chased a piece of WONKA TAFFY (insert godly chorus here) for 6 hours and 2 minutes, broke into a creepy mansion, fell under a hypnotic sleep to emo songs, got tied up in 67 yards of titanium chains, dissed Wocky, scared Naruto who thought he was a ghost, drew on Naruto's face with a kunai, tried (and failed) to escape out of the mansion, got owned to sleep by Jewel, took off his shirt to the pleasure of imaginary viewers, got high in his sleep, met Itachi, anti-dissed Jewel, and…that's it._

Caught up now? Good!

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"Hey Sasuke," started Naruto. "I've got a question."

"What's up Naruto?"

"Erm…well, I took the liberty of reading the above paragra-"

"May I ask why?! What a colossal waste of time, man."

"With all the shat that happens to me, I was hoping on finding something to sue the author…anyhoo, I was just wondering, how'd you get out of the 67 yards of titanium chains?"

"Pfft, I used the rope escape jutsu from episode 2. We're ninjas, ya moron!"

"…If that's the case, then why don't we just poof outta this house?!"

Itachi turned around to face them. "Tried that already. Some sorta Genjutsu that even I can't cancel."

Naruto stared."Itachi, you're looking at a bookshelf!"

"…I've made my choice."

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**CLANG! CLANG!** "Order!" ordered a mysterious hooded figure holding a gavel, who lurked very mysteriously in the mysterious shadows of a mysterious room that was in a mysterious mansion.

"Ow…you didn't have to hit me with it!" whined a second mysteriously hooded figure.

The first figure shrugged. "Well, we didn't have enough money in our budget for a gavel coaster so…yeah. Now settle down everyone!"

The audience of mysteriously cloaked people quieted down and sat themselves down.

"Now as you all know," started the first hooded being, "we of the OCO have been united for one of our few meetings that we have once in a while, for one sole reason-"

"SASUKE UCHIHA MUST DIE!" chorused the group.

"-Yes that's right, but don't interrupt me next time. We've gotten information from a person even mysterious-er than ourselves that Sasuke is currently hiding in one of the rooms in this house."

The crowd roared with excitement. "LET'S KILL HIM NOW!"

"First we need to find him," reminded to mysterious figure, "we'll split up into 3 groups, and whoever finds him first gets a 50 cents discount at Wall Mart, all righty?"

And so began yet another quest to capture Sasuke, for a reason that will be ignored for now.

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"Achoo!"

"Looks like someone's thinking about you brother," said Itachi as he walked around in a circle. "Maybe it's a girl."

"Like I said before, if that myth was true, I'd be perpetually sneezing…"

"Yeah, you're right." The older sibling thought for a while. "Maybe it's opposite. Maybe you sneeze when somebody's NOT thinking about you!"

"That's insane! I'm _the_ Sasuke! I'm cooler than lemons, hawter than Ronald Mcdonald, and as mood-swingy as PMSing bishounen!"

"Maybe that's because you _are_ a PMSing bishounen," muttered Naruto as he twirled a kunai with his pinky.

Sasuke gasped. "Why Naruto…that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!"

The blonde twitched. "What?!"

The conceited Uchiha blushed. "You think I'm a bishounen?"

The Kyuubi's vessel physically blanched, while Itachi laughed. "OMFG, NO! Just…no. Gawd."

While Sasuke pouted and Itachi LOL'D, Naruto noticed something lurking mysteriously out of the corner of his eye. "Hey guys, what's that?"

The two stopped to look at whatever the heck Naruto was looking at, 'cause you know he's AWESOME like that. "What's what?"

"That mysteriously moving thing that keeps mysteriously beckoning at me to follow it. Mysteriously!"

"Well, we got nothing better to do." Itachi looked at his watch. "And I don't have to do any Akatsuki missions till four so…let's go!"

And so the GOLDEN TRIO, cuz they're AWESOME like that, crept MYSTERIOUSLY behind the Mysteriously Lurking Thing.

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"I'm hungry…" whined a certain blonde.

"Holy shitake Naruto, stop whining." grumbled Sasuke.

"Make me stupid!" Naruto yelled directly in his supposed BFF's ear.

"You're gonna stop whining, or I'm-a take this random Ipod, and shove up your whiny little as-" screamed the brunette.

"Tch. Why don't I take this random stick and shove it up your mom's _as_-"

"You wanna talk about mamas?!"

"Hella yes! Your mom's so fat when she jiggles her leg, jello falls out!" taunted Naruto.

"Your mom's so dumb when she heard it was chilly outside, she asked "What flavor?!"

"Well your mom's so fat, she needs a forklift to just lift her leg!"

"Your mom's so dumb when I asked her if she wanted to play Xbox with me, she said I wasn't old enough!"

"…What?!"

"You think about that man…you just think about that…"

Itachi sighed. "Hurry up, or I'll own the both of you."

The two teens glared. "Go ahead and try!"

"Oh please…you guys are so weak that I'd warm up on you, on my way to the fight!"

"…You wanna talk about mamas?!"

"Wha-when did I say that?! How di-oh, forget it. Hey, the Mysterious Lurking thing stopped in front of that door."

The trio ran towards it, but stopped when it mysteriously DISAPPEARED.

"Wow, that was very mysterious," remarked Sasuke.

"Hey guys, the door won't open!" called out Naruto.

Step aside!" announced the great Itachi. "I shall yell at it until it opens! AAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Surprisingly, it sprang right out.

The two stunned ninjas just stared at the Akatsuki member. "Just a trick I picked up from my ANBU dayz…"

The two nodded numbly, and stepping into the room…

…and right onto the trap.

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"This is really getting old," declared Sasuke as he sat in a net that had pulled them up to the ceiling.

"I agree," agreed Naruto. "This has been, what? The third trap this week?"

"Yeppers. Hey wait a minute," Sasuke looked down. "Itachi didn't get caught!"

"Sweet! Hey 'Tachi, let us out!"

"Huh?" the teen spazzed. "How da Fcuki?! Why can't you two stay out of trouble for like 1 chapter?!"

The blonde sighed. "We just suck like that."

"MUHAHAHAHA!!" laughed a mysterious chorus of mysterious voices.

"Who was that?" demanded Sasuke.

"It was us!" and outta the blue, popped up some random mysterious, hooded people.

"ZOMG!" gasped Naruto. "How mysteriously unexpected!"

"We are the group entitled Group One!" broadcasted the group in unison. "Our reward for finding the Emo One known as Sasuke will be DEATH!"

"…Wait, hold up. Death to me," Sasuke pointed to himself, "my friends, or you guys?"

"Do not mock us!" ordered the group. "Prepare to be annihilated!" And then the group took off their hoods…

…revealing some faintly familiar characters.

"Hmm…have I…seen you guys somewhere?"

"Yeah," Naruto twirled an imaginary mustache. "They look extremely familiar. Maybe they're from Konoha?"

"No, gotta be from our last AWESOME trip to Canada, the bestest country ever."

"Oh come on," cried Itachi. "That one," he pointed at a fuming man, "is that guy named Daara from Suna whose place you crashed. And they're," he gestured to three girls who were giving rude finger gestures, "Haine, Katty, and Boo Boo, Choji's mother's father-in-law's brother's twice-removed uncle's cousin's daughter's great-great-great-grandson's daughters!"

"WTF Itachi? How do you even remember this?! Better question, how do you know where to point, you're blind!"

"Hmm, that's a good question. I'll get back to you on that." Then the S-ranked criminal sat down to take a nap.

"Itachi noooess! Get up man!"

"Muhahahaha!" laughed Daara. "I shall have my revenge on you Sasuke, and there's nothing the Kyuubi brat or your gay-ass brother can do about it!"

"Yesh!" exclaimed Haine, while her siblings showed off their pwnsome hand signs. "My sisters and I shall own you to oblivion!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Oh puh-lease, you guys are so weak that I'd warm up on you, on my way to a fight!"

"You totally stole that from Ita-"

"What doesn't know won't hurt him."

Sasuke looked down at his captors. "Why don't I cut you a deal…if you guys set us free to have an honest fight with you, and you win, feel free to pee on my carcass."

"Honestly?"

"Swear-to-the-Hokage honest."

"Hmm, that's hella honest. Okay!"

As the net was lowered, Sasuke and Naruto huddled.

"Here's the thing 'kay?" muttered the brunette. "I'll take the three girls, and you fight the creepy stalker guy who hates me for some obscure reason."

"Got it." The duo got out and faced their opponents.

"Ready for your doom?" taunted Daara.

"Nope. Is your mom ready for _me_?" Naruto Lol'd. "High five Sas." The other smirked. "After we own these weotches." "Awww…"

"Your mom's so poor she hits you with a Popsicle and calls it "air conditioning!" said Sasuke coolly. "Burn!" added Naruto.

"Oh yeah, well your mom's so fat she's on both sides of yo family!" Naruto winced.

"Your momma's so fat, even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!" Haine gasped, the fell over. Raine glared at the two ninjas. "Your mom's teeth are so spaced out, t looks like her tongue's in jail!"

"Yeah, but your mom's so dumb she went to an antique store and asked "What's new?'!" Katy screamed then fell over, K.O.ed.

Sasuke grinned evilly. "This'll be easy…your mom's so fat she makes a sumo wrestler look anorexic!"

"And your momma's so fat that when she farts, Al Gore sues her!" piped Naruto.

Their rivals slumped down at the same time, clearly defeated.

"Boo yah!" Naruto did a little nin-dance. Then he rushed over to Itachi.

"Dude wake up!" Poke.

"No not like that dobe. Here-" **POKE.**

"Man, you're wrong! _This_ is how-" **KICK!**

"It's not working!"** PUNCH!**

"Allow me Sasuke. Jeez!" **FALCON-PUNCH'D!**

"That shat ain't gonna wake him up!" **CHIDORI!!**

"That didn't work! Argh!!" **RASENGAN!!**

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_6 hours later…_

"(Pant) Sasuke, is he (pant) awake yet?"

Sasuke wiped his forehead with his brother's blood stained sleeve. "Nope. Wonder why…he's always been a light sleeper."

"Maybe he'll wake up next chapter!"

"Yeah. Maybe…"

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Hmm? Maybe reviewing may wake up Itachi. :)

Ya never know…


	19. Chapter 19

-

A veeery fast-ish update in my opinion…(lol 1 month and a half, m'kay?) I've been busy, what with high school starting and all…I miss testosterone! (Pout)

I need a beta preeetty badly…if you would like to beta this fic, please PM me, it'll be greatly appreciated! (LYKE SRSSLY PLZ, 1M DSPRTE.)

Dedicated to everyone who reviewed last time, and neko-youkai-mimi for lending the Chris Crocker diss plus comeback combo. Thanksies!

Happy birthday Naruto! I hope you all went out to buy ramen, like good little otakus. :) (It's also Gintaku from Gintama's b-day, so try to stay away from aliens today!)

Don't forget to vote for your fav Your Mom diss on my profile:

Your Momma's momma's momma's momma is in the lead currently, with Your Mom trailing closely behind, Your Hokage and You tied for third, and Your Dad and Your Mother-In-Law holding down last place. (Am I the only one reading this and ROTFLOLing?!)

:)

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Sasuke farted.

"Dude, rank!"

"What?!" defended the stinky brunette. "Everyone does it!"

"Yeah, but no one in the _world_ does it like you…" Naruto held up his nose. "Really, what did you eat?!"

"Hmm, let's see…well, there's the Wonka taffy from a while back…then I licked some of the blood off of the kunai I drew on you face with…afterwards I visited the kitchen and just devoured this…thing."

"Thing?"

"It was like this pastry, or taco or something…it had this bananay-beany-turnipy-cabbagey-beery-cheesy-chilliy-eggs-bready-eggy taste."

Eyes widened, Naruto began to slowly back away.

"Hey man, no worries! I can hold it…"

And so began the fart-constipation of Sasuke Uchiha.

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Naruto poked Itachi.

"He's starting to…smell. Ya think he'll ever wake up?"

Sasuke scratched his head and pondered. "It's possible he might be _dead_. I mean, we _did_ beat him up for 6 hours straight."

Naruto brightened. "Yeah! I even summoned Gamabunta like 11 times!"

"Oh wow, that was _epic_!" "Totally."

The two lapsed into a friendly silence, reminiscing on the 6 hours of 0wn1ng the living life out of poor, poor Itachi.

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A mysterious hooded person teleported into a mysterious room in a mysterious mansion.

"News from the underground sir! Erm, madam. I think. Eh, whatever."

A second hooded figure, even more mysterious-er than the first looked boredly upon the mysterious messenger. "What is it? And it better be mysterious," the figure warned.

"All righty, I'll try sir. Group One was MYSTERIOUSLY defeated and killed by Sasuke and Naruto. They then proceeded to MYSTERIOUSLY beat the Sh!t out of Itachi."

The MYSTERIOUS leader clapped happily. "Wowza!"

"I know man it was like _epic_!"

"Sweet…anyways, do you have the location of the target?"

"Yeppers! I MYSTERIOUSLY tracked them down, and they're currently resting in…"

"Yes? Where?!"

"…The room right beside us."

"Seriously? Wow. And they've been here since…?"

"Umm, let's see…they MYSTERIOUSLY stayed there after the fight with Group One, so since last night I guess."

The MYSTERIOUS leader paused for a moment, then said decidingly, "Our group sucks!"

"Yeah, pretty much."

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Sakura really liked brushing her hair. Not only did it make her hair smoother, but it also passed time. Ever since Sasuke and Naruto went off to Akito-knows-where, Kakashi sorta gave up being a ninja and just read porn all day, leaving Sakura (and her hormones) to brood.

"(Sniff) Why doesn't Sasuke love me?! (brushes hair) Aren't I pretty enough?! My hair's so silky, so soft, so long-"

Wait.

Maybe that was it!

M-maybe, just maybe, Sasuke was _allergic_ to long hair! That would be why he ignored all the girls in Konoha, and just trained all day with stupid Lee and stupid Kiba and stupid Neji and stupid Shikamaru and stupid Chouji and stupid, stupid Naruto!

Sakura threw her brush out the window, ("Holy shi- OW!" yelled a not-so random passerby), and began fantasizing.

Maybe Sasuke had a huge crush on her for all those years!! Maybe her long hair had prevented them from ever being together! Maybe Sasuke sometimes daydreamed about their fantastical wedding they would have in the middle of class, and didn't listen to the homework, so he had to call Ino-pig, and beg her until she did!!

The pink-ette sighed blissfully, before pulling out a pair of scissors and- **SNIP!**

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"That's weird…"

"What?"

Naruto scratched his head. "I just got the weirdest feeling that the love of my life has done something that will probably traumatize me for years to come. Other than that, nothing much."

"I see." Sasuke went back to pondering his deep angsty thoughts.

Despite its flaws, the Uchiha rather missed his village. He missed the way overly dramatic she-males would randomly attack it ever-so expectedly, the smell of impending doom that Kakashi often radiated, the amazing sunset that would light up all the litter in the streets- wait. Now that he thought about it, Konoha wasn't that great…

Naruto suddenly nudged the brunette. "Dude, I think another group of freaks wants to fight!"

Sasuke sighed. "Not again…"

The group of mysterious people stood silently at the doorway, their obvious hate of all things Sharingan radiated strongly.

The Uchiha straightened up, and glared at the crowd. It was getting pretty annoying how this kept on happening, and heck knows when he would really start to get mad. "I'll handle this dobe, work on reviving my bro."

Said dobe rolled his eyes, before attempting to "revive" the older sibling. "One two," he whispered. "Three! **RASENGAN**! I'll keep doing this," the blonde called. "And he'll be bound to wake up!"

"Yeah sure, whatever. Ready to fight?" asked the Uchiha, an arrogant smirk forming on his face.

The MYSTERIOUS group remained quiet.

"Well? Aren't you going to dramatically reveal yourselves?"

Again no answer, save for the shallow breaths that each one took.

"Erm…are you all having an asthma attack? I have an inhaler you could borrow…not like it's mine or anything," he added hastily. "It's Naruto's, I swear!"

"Yeah right!" came the faint response from the blonde.

"Shut up dob-"

"Your mom is so gay, God invented Chris Crocker to make her feel better!" unexpectedly yelled one of the MYSTERIOUS hooded figures.

Quick on the take, Sasuke responded. "Yo mama's so gay, God invented YOU to make her feel better!"

"Yeah, but your mom's so ugly she auditioned to be a YuGiOh card monster, and they said 'sorry, we only want actors, not the real deal!'"

"_Hmmm,"_ thought the Uchiha._ "It seems like I'm dealing with professionals…_your mom's so flat, " he counterattacked, "she's jealous of a piece of paper!"

"Your mom's so flat her cup size's a decimal!"

He winced, thought a little, then answered fiercely. "Your momma's so poor she hangs out toilet paper to dry!"

"Your mom's so poor," interjected another mysterious member. "She had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box!"

"It's no use," muttered the Uchiha. "I'm going to have to resort to assistance…oi dobe!"

"**RASENGANRASENGANRASENGANRASENGAN!** Yeah, what?!"

"I require a tad of help," he grimaced slightly. "Please?"

"Hahaha, how the mighty have fallen. Hold up, let me ask Kyuubi!"

"_What is it, brat?"_ grumbled a familiar voice in the blonde's head.

"Sasuke needs me, got any disses?"

"No snap Sherlock. I'm Kyu-freaking-ubi. 'Course I got some insults. Listen here…"

"He's taking too long..." said Sasuke tersely. "I'll have to distract them…erm…MAMMA MIA!" he yelled dramatically.

The hooded people cocked their heads inquisitively. Was the Uchiha going to break out into song?

"MAMMA MIA! HERE I GO AGAIN! MY MY, HOW CAN I RESIST YOU?!"

Apparently so.

"MAMMA MIA! DOES IT SHOW AGAIN?! MY MY, JUST HOW MUCH I'VE MISSED YOUUU!!"

Unfazed, the hooded beings started to unleash a collective diss. "Your m-"

"Yo daddy's so stupid," interrupted a feminine voice from behind. "He looked in the mirror and said 'someone's in the house!'"

The group, caught by surprise, let out their own whimper of fear, before keeling over. **THUMP!**

"Whoa!" amazed, Naruto turned around, and came face to face with his savior; an extremely self-assured, original, confident… BALD Sakura.

Silence followed, and then:

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

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Next time: How will bald!Sakura fit in with the duo? Will Itachi remain a battered unconscious teen? Who were those MYSTERIOUS beings from Group 2? And what of that super-stanky fart Sasuke's been holding in? All of these burning questions will be answered if you a) tune in next chappie or b) watch the new South Park episode!

Review! (Or bald!Sakura will glare at you.)

-


	20. Chapter 20

UBERFASTUPDATESEQUENCE GOOOOO~!

Oh yeah, if you're reading this, hey Nikou! (spazzs) I swear to Ra this isn't pr0n. To _RA_. Yeah man, _that's_ how serious I am.

Dedicated to neko-yokai-mimi for having an awesome display message. It's lyke TTLY awesome.

Don't forget to vote! (Points everyone to profile button) Still looking for a beta, by the way. :)

MERRY KRISKWANHANUWINTABREAKMAS!

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Last time, on Your Mom…

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

_Today, on Your Mom…_

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Gasping for air, Naruto struggled to contain his shock. "S-sakura? Is that…you?!"

Flashing a cocky grin, the new and "improved" Sakura flashed the blonde a cocky grin.

"Bien sur baby!"

"Oh _Gawd_." Naruto turned away, struggling to hold the vomit.

Sasuke looked over the newcomer suspiciously. "So your name's Sakura? How does Naruto know you?"

"Huh? Sasuke it's me-" Wait. Inwardly, Sakura contemplated her current situation. Sasuke had never made it a secret that he hated her guts. Maybe not being herself would benefit. "Erm, yeah, but Naruto-kun pronounces it wrong. My name's actually…Sakuro! Yeah, that's it! I'm his long-lost 9000 percent male cousin!"

Getting up, Naruto looked quizzically at 'Sakuro.' "What the deuce are you talking about, Sakur-OW!" Howling, the ninja glared at the supposed male. "I mean, Sakuro…"

"Got that right!" she laughed nervously. "I came round here looking for him to spar and stuff!"

"All right." the Uchiha shrugged. "Hey, you seemed to be pretty good at those disses. What were they called again?"

"Your dad."

"Excuse me?!"

"Erm, that's the diss."

"Ah." he contemplated. "But where's the yo momma part?"

"That's the thing," pointed out Sakura. "'Your dad' replaces 'your mom' in my disses."

"…I don't get it."

"Okay let's see…you know how you would say 'Your mom's so stupid she studied for a dope test?'"

"Go on…"

"Well then, I'd say instead that, 'Your dad's so stupid he studied for a dope test!'"

"But," Sasuke scrunched his face. "Where's the yo momma part?"

"Ummm, there is none."

"…I still don't get it."

Sighing, Naruto leaned back. Sasuke had always been a slow learner. (Not ninja-wise, of course.) This might take a while…

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"All of these dead bodies are starting to smell! Oi teme!" Sasuke looked up from his lesson with the tired Sakuro. "Help me kick your brother until he decomposes!"

"Wait a minute! So you're saying," he asked Sakura, "that instead of 'your mom' I could say 'your dad'?"

Yes!" she brightened. "You finally got it! And it's only been," she glanced at her watch. "Fourteen hours!"

The Sharingan user swelled with pride. "I know, eh! Last time it took me twenty five to figure out mixed fractions." He stood up, and walked over to Naruto and Itachi's body.

The blonde wiped sweat off of his forehead. "Teme, this isn't really working. Do you think we should bury these guys?"

"Where? If you haven't noticed, we've been inexplicably stuck here since chapter 13! At least, I have."

"We should cover them!" Naruto shuddered. "It's creepy, the way these bodies just…lie here."

"All right, all right." Sasuke headed out the door. "I'm gonna find some blankets or something. You two stay here and guard the bodies."

Naruto rolled his eyes."Heh, we're in a haunted mansion that retarded crime organizations seem to frequent. What are the chances that someone'll come here looking to steal cloaked carcasses?"

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"Group 2!" barked the mysterious leader. "I'm in the mood for cloaked carcasses!"

"Sorry sir," replied a random mysterious messenger, "we've lost all contact with Group 2."

"Oh really? That sucks. All right, assign Group 3 of my mysteriously hooded people! And make sure to tell them…MYSTERIOUSLY!"

"…I'll try my best sir."

"With lots of mysterious hand actions," added the superior, "and make sure that you speak in a really mysterious voice."

"…Of course, sir."

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As the raven-haired teen wandered aimlessly around the hallways, he began to angst for the second chapter in a row. He hadn't taken a shower in five weeks! Seriously, he smelled like if poo and plaque could have babies! Also, his fart-constipation was doing serious damage to his self-esteem. And his awesome hair! His luscious locks were now tattered and gleamless. Hmm, that pink-headed guy from before had pretty nice hair. Maybe he could help out…

"Hey Booty-chan!"

"Hmm?"

Turning around, the brunette came face-to-face with a grinning male.

"Whoops, mah bad. Hey Booty-chan's bro! I dub thee Mini-Booty!"

"…What?"

"So, saved the blondilicious kitsune yet?"

"Kitsune? You mean Naruto? Yeah." His eyes narrowed. "Why? And who are you? Are you with those cloaked guys who think they're oh-so mysterious?"

"Never mind your questions," waved of the ex-ANBU. "Tell me where Naru-chan is!"

"Umm, how should I say thi- NO."

"You leave no choice, cutie." Nekole came closer to the teen. "Cutie?!" sputtered the Uchiha. "Oh, you goin' down! Your momma's so short she jumped in a puddle and drowned!"

"(sigh) Just like your brother…" the burger flipper smirked. "Yo momma's so stupid when she hears thunder, she thinks someone is making popcorn! Yo momma's so fat her blood type is Ragu! And, your mom's so fat that when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate!"

"I'm _so_ startled." muttered the teen sarcastically. "Your mom's so fat her nicname is 'DANG!'"

"Well your mom's so poor she tried to eat soul food!"

"Your mom's so dumb she stayed up all night studying for her blood test!"

"Yeah but, your mom's so dumb her IQ's a decimal!"

"When I go to your mom's for dinner…I stay for breakfast!"

"Excuse me?"

"You think about that man…you just think about that."

Laughing, Nekole swung an arm around the other's shoulder. "Dude, that was great! You've got way more potential than your bro. Where is that guy anyway? Did you see him?"

"Yeah I did. He's actually sleeping where I was hanging out a while ago."

"Sweeet~!" And with that, the ninja named Sasuke and the OC named Nekole went to the room of corpses, pink-haired she-males, and retarded blondes.

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Next time: Whose side is Nekole really on? When will the Naruto fillers end in America? How long will 'Sakuro' keep up her façade? How long will it take for you to review? Find out the anwsers to these burning questions after the break/next chapter/RIGHT NOW.

Word to your mothers~. (Sorry this was short and slightly retarded...next update will be sooner and intely-genty-er, I swear!)


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